Be What It Is That You Want

'... I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted...'

~ Elizabeth Gilbert ~

What a beautifully sad statement. For those of you interested in reading more, I highly recommend this book Eat Pray Love - never mind that the movie starring Julia Roberts made a complete mess of this masterpiece. Had I only known that the author was writing a book about my life, I would have demanded royalties...

We all do this at some point or another - give too much of ourselves to the one we love until we are completely empty and without resources for Self or anybody else for that matter. I know that this has been me on too many occasions to count. The fact of the matter is: I love Love. Love it. I love being in love, I love the idea of Love, I love loving... My closest friends will tell you that my greatest blessing is my biggest curse; that is, I open up my heart way too much to people. 

I think the problem is that too many of us think that we should be a certain way when we are in love. Like there is a blueprint for how we should behave and what we should do: be this person's everything, do everything they want, fulfill their every need. We think this is what making someone happy is all about, and then get confused when we get pushed away because it's too much. There's the problem: we never consider what it is the other person in the relationship really desires or craves from you. We only consider what we think they need, when in reality, all we're doing is projecting unto them what it is that we really want and need. (Yes, it's shocking I know, but there are two people in a relationship, surprisingly enough!)

How can I put this a little clearer? 

Earlier on this year, a close girlfriend of mine was going through some serious personal issues which she has only now begun pulling herself out of (and I'm very proud of her). She was convinced that being with someone was necessary for her happiness; she was upset that she couldn't find anyone to be with or that the men (boys) she could see herself being with were pulling away from her. She even found it difficult to be happy for others when they were beginning new and exciting relationships because she wanted one of her own so badly. I remember her exasperation as she told me through buckets of tears that she had a never-ending 'three-month cycle' where things would be fine and then the relationship would change for the worse and the other person would either mess up or walk away. And then it would begin all over again with somebody new.

My response to this outburst went along the lines of:

When Mr. (or Ms.) Right comes along, do we want him (her) to be damaged and loaded with baggage from the past, or do we already want him to be at his best for us? Shouldn't we already be at our best for him? Are you looking for a fixer-upper or a finely-tuned and developed catch? Why do we expect to find somebody wonderful, and yet in the downtime that we are blessed with in-between failed relationship attempts, we refuse to acknowledge that we should be working on making ourselves as good as we can be for when Mr. Right does come knocking? Why do we continuously mope, cry and complain that there is no one good out there who can stick around long enough to help us deal with our own issues, when the truth of the matter is that we should be dealing with those issues regardless. That way, when the perfect person arrives, we can stand in front of them in all our glory, beaming the message: 

Here you go baby, this is the best Me around and trust me, you don't want to pass this by!

We all have lists of what we want in a partner: physical, mental, spiritual, emotional and even financial requirements. He must be self-sufficient; She must always look her best; He must be sensitive; She must be honest; He must be daring; She must be spontaneous... It's friggin' endless. Well, what about you? Are you all of these things that you are looking for? You want a strong man well, let me ask you, are you a strong woman? You want a woman who takes care of herself physically; dude, why the hell do you treat your body so badly with smoking/drinking/bad eating habits/lack of exercise? 

Don't create standards that you're not willing to meet. No matter what you want in somebody, it is only fair that you ask that of yourself first. Do you think that a person who is financially independent is walking around asking God to send a money leech their way? Do you think that a pillar of emotional strength is praying to the heavens: pleeeaase send me a weakling so that I can project some of this strength onto them?

In Life, every experience is a rehearsal for something bigger down the line. If a relationship went wrong for you, I bet you probably learned something about yourself, about life or about people that you won't be forgetting anytime soon. So take the lesson, be grateful for it and use it in your Love Portfolio when the next one comes along. Because another one always comes along. The least you can do is be prepared and already be at your very best when they arrive. You think you have a list of standards and requirements? Honey, so do they.

Nobody wants to wait for you while you dig yourself out of that hole of self-pity in order to then be the best that you can be for them. You should always be reaching for 'above and beyond', not only when someone is in your life or by your side. Living for another person's happiness is pretty irresponsible and very unfair, to all parties involved.

Make sure that the right person doesn't pass you by because you weren't where you were supposed to be by yourself in order to be with them.