Bounce Back!

I've come to the understanding that there are two types of people when it comes to Love:

Those with hard hearts and those with soft hearts.

The visual imagery of these phrases has been playing on my mind, especially with regards to the way I myself have opened my arms to Love over and over despite being hurt time and time again.

Hard-hearted people are the ones who fall deeply in love once and it slaps them in the face so forcefully and sends them on a complete roller-coaster ride, twisting them upside down and inside out until they don't know what to do with themselves. They have one majorly significant relationship - usually as a teen or twen-teen - that then defines the way they treat all future partners, remembering the way they felt in that relationship and never letting anybody close because they build up so many walls and barriers after that one crucial heartbreak. Hard-hearted people spend a long time making sure that they will never be open or vulnerable to any kind of emotional pain after that one devastating experience. Hard-hearted people compare every potential partner with that One who either got away or broke their heart so long ago. Hard-hearted people believe they've turned their hearts to stone when really they've turned their hearts to glass, because anybody can see straight through them, sensing how cynical and resentful they have become about the concept of Love and how resistant they are to ever allowing it to happen again. A hard-hearted person shows no weakness... and usually ends up hurting others as a result of someone who hurt them.

A soft-hearted person is one who loves regardless of the cost. Somewhat naïve, a soft-hearted person will continue to believe in Love and continue to open up to it in the pursuit of proof that it exists and that they will find it. Soft-hearted people are very giving, they are optimistic and romantic and undying in their loyalty. To others, a soft-hearted person lives with his or her head in the clouds, foolishly believing in the fairytale - the 'happily ever after'. A soft-hearted person knows that it doesn't come easily, but when it does - because it has to - it will be glorious. A soft-hearted person gives love wherever possible, not only to their partner but also to everyone around them in little gestures. When a soft-hearted person gets hurt by someone they love, it feels like the end of the world. The low is indescribable and the pain unbearable, much like a hard-hearted person's heartbreak. 

The difference between the two is that a soft-hearted person will not stop believing in Love, despite being ridiculed, absorbing Love like a sponge even after a heartbreak, while a hard-hearted person will stop Love in its tracks by creating a No Entry zone post-heartbreak.

Essentially, they are both fools. 

A perfect balance (usually in the form of the phrase 'being sensible') would be to embody qualities of both these types: taking a chance and opening up yourself to Love regardless of past failures, but being cautious and aware of the potential for heartbreak due to experience. 

Most of us take a long time to find this balance. We are a stupidly stubborn bunch.

However, if you had to be one of the two, is it better to be hard or soft? Is it better to allow your heart to become so hard that it becomes brittle and even fragile, like glass, so that one day (and that day will come) when someone finally breaks that barrier, they shatter everything you have worked so hard to build? Or is it better to consistently practice loving, in little ways every day with the people around you, so that your heart is a little softer, mushier if you like... If your heart is a little softer, if you love a little more, doesn't it cushion the fall a lot better than landing on broken glass? 

What I'm saying is this: soft-hearted people may be naïve, but they don't let that stop them from being able to take off again after recovery from emotional pain. A soft heart can and will get beaten, battered and bruised, but the repercussions of cultivating a hard and seemingly impenetrable heart, only to have it shattered? Let's see... Have you ever tried to find all the shards of some broken glass and literally put them back together? Good luck with that.

Soft-hearted people are a lot like rubber. Through their pursuit of Love, through their giving of it, they develop ways in which to bounce back. So... I think you should love a little more. Love everybody a little more. Every day. Believe in it a little more, regardless of how badly you've been hurt.

I think that beats walking on broken glass any day. 

It's Not Them, It's You!

*There are a few people - friends of mine - who will be upset by this particular chapter of Blunderstandings because what I'm discussing may very well be about them. To those friends I apologize.

The cold, hard truth is really difficult for many people to accept. So much so that we often face it with anger, denial or ignorance. I believe this comes from a fear of realizing that in order for things to change for us, we must change ourselves. So simple, so true... and yet so bloody difficult to implement. Nobody likes change.

There is a quote I love which says that in order to be something you've never been, you have to do something you've never done. In other words, if you're fed up with getting the same results in any aspect of your life, you need to change the way you do things. In other words, stop expecting the same old methods to produce new outcomes. 

We all like to play the Blame Game: somebody else is always responsible for our misery, be it an ex-lover, our parents, friends, the chair we stumped our toe on, the Universe, God... Yes, even I will admit to the countless times I was convinced that 'the man upstairs' had a personal vendetta against me (and me alone) and was determined to make me as miserable as I could possibly be, especially in love. How self-important, I think to myself now as I recall endless nights of crying: Why me? Why meeeeeeeee?!

I write this because I have been there. I have blamed so many factors and people for my own shortcomings in love, without realizing that it is nobody's responsibility to make things happen for me but me. 

I mentioned in Be What It Is That You Want a close friend of mine who was yearning for a relationship. There are others like this, who have let their desire (desperation) to connect with somebody (though sometimes I feel that they would settle for just anybody) consume them to the point that they come to a complete standstill in their personal growth, out of stubbornness to absolutely not move until they find somebody to grow with. Conversations with these friends are frustrating to say the least. Their level of anger, complaining, stubbornness and moodiness is to such a degree that one feels like screaming: 


THIS RIGHT HERE!! THIS IS WHY YOU ARE ALONE! AND THIS IS WHY EVEN IF YOU DO FIND SOMEBODY, YOU WILL PUSH THEM AWAY IN A MATTER OF WEEKS!

*pause*

Sometimes you're not ready as an individual to be part of a couple, dammit! Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, it's not that the world is out to get you, and it's not that the Universe hates you, and it's not that somebody stole that guy from you, and it's not that the girl you like used you... Could you ever fathom that the problem is actually indeed... you? Don't hate me, but some of you have consumed yourselves with wanting the perfect relationship by simply expecting it to drop into your lap without any legwork or preparation on your part. 

Let's say that somehow this perfect relationship did come along. Do you know what would happen? You've been so busy pinning all your hopes and dreams and happiness on this fantasy person (without getting off your ass and doing anything to be a happy person in the interim) that when they do arrive - and you will stupidly believe that the first person to knock is the one you've been waiting for - they will feel so pressured by the enormity of your commitment and willingness to give, give, give, give, give that they will feel suffocated. They will be unable to rise to the task of being your everything from the get-go. And they will break free. You will cause your relationship's demise before it has even begun, trust me.

You can't skip the steps, honey. Do the damn work. Grow, for God's sake.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn. I was so convinced that waiting for one person to give my all to was the way to go. I really should have been exercising my social, personal, communication and relationship skills by giving bits of myself to people and not all of me to person. I've found that in the short period of time that I have actually given the 'dating' thing a go - rather than always jumping into the 'commitment' thing - the worthy candidates for a relationship are rising to the top a lot faster than if I was sitting around miserable and waiting for that one person. I have been to new and fun places that I didn't know about before, met a number of people and made new friends... and all of this is contributing to my growth and how good I feel about me and my worth.

My point? 

I changed the way I did things, and now I am seeing results that I wasn't even looking for. And maybe I'm not in a serious long-term relationship yet... so what? It may be what I was originally craving and living for, but now, instead of lamenting over not having it, I am excited and hopeful for when it does 'drop in my lap'. I took my downtime as time for Me, so I can honestly say that the person that comes along is going to get the best me available, without all the anger and resentment and residue of blaming everything around me for my circumstance... because I am learning to relax, let go, take responsibility for my attitude towards relationships and have a little fun along the way. 

It wouldn't kill you to try it.

The Most Important Of Them All...

After days of non-stop crying during one of my down periods in the summer of 2009 (I wish I could say that they were few and far between), I became the definition of 'fed up'. 

Once again, I was crying over a guy who was worth less than the dirt on my shoe, but yet I wasn't even crying over this fool. I was actually crying over the emotional buildup of constant heartache and heartbreak, after a turbulent three-year relationship that could only be described as disastrous and the consequent dating games that followed with those who sniffed out my vulnerability like hunting dogs track foxes. This particular - and incredibly insignificant - individual was simply the catalyst to the breakdown. (I think he had stood me up with no apology or contact a day before flying out of the country indefinitely... or something to that effect.) 

The truth is that I was crying over everything that happened before him.

So there I was, sitting alone on my bed in my apartment in London, away from my family and friends, looking in the mirror and talking to myself like a bloody lunatic:

Why do you always get into these situations? Why won't you ever learn? What is it going to take for you to realize that you need to stop opening up to these people? Why is it so important for someone to be there for you? Why are you so damn needy?

Indeed, I am my biggest critic. And a seasoned man-basher. To say that I had lost all faith in all men and all mankind is the understatement of the world's existence. 

And then I realized something. I was staring at myself in the mirror and talking to myself. I was talking - out loud - to myself. I was actually carrying on a conversation with Me as if I were a completely different person.

And that's when it happened.

'Get dressed dammit,' the girl in the mirror said to me. 'I'm taking you out.'

So I did. I got dressed up, put on some nice makeup, spent a little time on my hair and walked down the stairs, out the door and took myself to the movies. I spent the afternoon indulging in countless treats from the concession stand, drank Coke until I almost peed myself, laughed like a kid at animated cartoons and comedy and then went for a stroll in the bookstore, where I wandered aimlessly in the aisles until I found something to my liking to take home with me. By the time I walked back through my front door almost four hours later, I was energized. I was excited. I was... hopeful.

I am not crazy, despite what you're thinking right now.

I have thought about that day countless times since then, especially if I feel sadness for any reason. Here is how it works:

During that time following my breakup, I was so eager - desperate even - to give love to someone that I completely forgot about the most important relationship I had. The one with myself. All clichés and sob stories aside, I realized that the person I have been looking for to love all this time is the one standing in the mirror looking back at me. At that moment, when she told me to get up and get dressed, she was being my friend. I had stepped outside of my body, turned around and looked at Me and the state I was in... and I became my own friend. 

That's what it is. Sometimes, you need to make yourself an outsider to the situation and be the friend that you need the most. Ask yourself: 

What would I do if I had a friend called [your name here] and they were feeling like this? How would I cheer my friend up?

Then do it. It's that simple. Sometimes, I like to think of it as 'dating myself', which sounds a little weird, but when you put it into practice, it actually works. Only I know what will really make me laugh and truly lift my soul at any given moment. Now, at least once a week, I have a personal promise to fulfill of treating that girl to something special, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. She deserves it. She hasn't had a compliment in a while? Then I give her one dammit!

We all want someone who can be with us at our very best and still handle us at our very worst. Who else sleeps with you every night without fail and wakes up with you every morning (no matter what your morning face/breath is)? Who else has been there from the very beginning and will be there until the very end? Who else knows all your strengths, weaknesses, flaws and faults... in detail? Who is the only one who can stand the test of being with you 24/7? Who can and will never walk away from you no matter how hard you may push? 

The answer is you. 

It's only ever you. 

Time to start treating yourself a little better and stop waiting for somebody else to do it. 

You are called Numero Uno for a reason, so stop trying to give it away.

Be What It Is That You Want

'... I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted...'

~ Elizabeth Gilbert ~

What a beautifully sad statement. For those of you interested in reading more, I highly recommend this book Eat Pray Love - never mind that the movie starring Julia Roberts made a complete mess of this masterpiece. Had I only known that the author was writing a book about my life, I would have demanded royalties...

We all do this at some point or another - give too much of ourselves to the one we love until we are completely empty and without resources for Self or anybody else for that matter. I know that this has been me on too many occasions to count. The fact of the matter is: I love Love. Love it. I love being in love, I love the idea of Love, I love loving... My closest friends will tell you that my greatest blessing is my biggest curse; that is, I open up my heart way too much to people. 

I think the problem is that too many of us think that we should be a certain way when we are in love. Like there is a blueprint for how we should behave and what we should do: be this person's everything, do everything they want, fulfill their every need. We think this is what making someone happy is all about, and then get confused when we get pushed away because it's too much. There's the problem: we never consider what it is the other person in the relationship really desires or craves from you. We only consider what we think they need, when in reality, all we're doing is projecting unto them what it is that we really want and need. (Yes, it's shocking I know, but there are two people in a relationship, surprisingly enough!)

How can I put this a little clearer? 

Earlier on this year, a close girlfriend of mine was going through some serious personal issues which she has only now begun pulling herself out of (and I'm very proud of her). She was convinced that being with someone was necessary for her happiness; she was upset that she couldn't find anyone to be with or that the men (boys) she could see herself being with were pulling away from her. She even found it difficult to be happy for others when they were beginning new and exciting relationships because she wanted one of her own so badly. I remember her exasperation as she told me through buckets of tears that she had a never-ending 'three-month cycle' where things would be fine and then the relationship would change for the worse and the other person would either mess up or walk away. And then it would begin all over again with somebody new.

My response to this outburst went along the lines of:

When Mr. (or Ms.) Right comes along, do we want him (her) to be damaged and loaded with baggage from the past, or do we already want him to be at his best for us? Shouldn't we already be at our best for him? Are you looking for a fixer-upper or a finely-tuned and developed catch? Why do we expect to find somebody wonderful, and yet in the downtime that we are blessed with in-between failed relationship attempts, we refuse to acknowledge that we should be working on making ourselves as good as we can be for when Mr. Right does come knocking? Why do we continuously mope, cry and complain that there is no one good out there who can stick around long enough to help us deal with our own issues, when the truth of the matter is that we should be dealing with those issues regardless. That way, when the perfect person arrives, we can stand in front of them in all our glory, beaming the message: 

Here you go baby, this is the best Me around and trust me, you don't want to pass this by!

We all have lists of what we want in a partner: physical, mental, spiritual, emotional and even financial requirements. He must be self-sufficient; She must always look her best; He must be sensitive; She must be honest; He must be daring; She must be spontaneous... It's friggin' endless. Well, what about you? Are you all of these things that you are looking for? You want a strong man well, let me ask you, are you a strong woman? You want a woman who takes care of herself physically; dude, why the hell do you treat your body so badly with smoking/drinking/bad eating habits/lack of exercise? 

Don't create standards that you're not willing to meet. No matter what you want in somebody, it is only fair that you ask that of yourself first. Do you think that a person who is financially independent is walking around asking God to send a money leech their way? Do you think that a pillar of emotional strength is praying to the heavens: pleeeaase send me a weakling so that I can project some of this strength onto them?

In Life, every experience is a rehearsal for something bigger down the line. If a relationship went wrong for you, I bet you probably learned something about yourself, about life or about people that you won't be forgetting anytime soon. So take the lesson, be grateful for it and use it in your Love Portfolio when the next one comes along. Because another one always comes along. The least you can do is be prepared and already be at your very best when they arrive. You think you have a list of standards and requirements? Honey, so do they.

Nobody wants to wait for you while you dig yourself out of that hole of self-pity in order to then be the best that you can be for them. You should always be reaching for 'above and beyond', not only when someone is in your life or by your side. Living for another person's happiness is pretty irresponsible and very unfair, to all parties involved.

Make sure that the right person doesn't pass you by because you weren't where you were supposed to be by yourself in order to be with them.

What Do You Want?

Today I was asked: “What do you want?”

This is a question that all women would love to hear and yet, a lot of us would admittedly not be able to give a proper answer. Cue every joke about women never knowing what they want.

My relationship track record is not pretty. Briefly speaking, I almost committed myself to the man who incessantly put me down to boost his ego; then I relied on the man who bailed at the first real relationship hurdle to come our way, despite all the confidence he had instilled in me that he was going to be my ‘rock’; and then I totally fell for the man who admitted that he was hopelessly in love with me, only to have him promptly check out of the relationship because the notion of giving himself to someone scared him shitless.

Wonderful.

So, what do I want?

I want someone who is truly above these things. I’m not sure, but I think they call it a ‘real man’ (correct me if I am wrong).  But I write this blog for everyone, so, all man bashing aside, here is what I – and perhaps you as well – would like to find someday:

I want someone who doesn’t bail when things get tough – the kind of person who is excited by the challenge of unfamiliar hurdles. Someone who truly understands the meaning of the proverbial ‘ride or die’. I want someone who acknowledges and respects my lifestyle and career choices. I want someone who has my back when I stumble or fail, because it will happen. At these times I will need someone who knows when to step up and take control, when to be the man and also when to let me take the lead – this is what walking side by side is about.

As ambitious as I am, I appreciate the same in my ‘somebody’. I want someone who is driven and motivated, whose own dreams will provide healthy competition for me to keep striving for success with every challenge. I want someone who keeps me on my toes so that we will never be bored with each other. 

I want someone who is worth compromising my dreams for... but who would never ask me to do it. Only they would understand the value and depth of my dreams and aspirations.

I need someone who is dependable: someone who never breaks promises, because their reliability means that they never have to make a promise in the first place. In short, I want someone who does what they say they’re going to do. 

Read the last sentence again.

I need someone who understands that at times, they will have to carry me, the same way that I will carry them when necessary. I want someone who looks after themselves mentally, emotionally and physically; the body is a temple – the way you treat yourself and your possessions is a huge indicator of how well you will treat me. If you don’t respect your mind and body, how can I expect you to respect mine?

And, as much as I want all of these things, I also want this person to be able to tell me ‘no’. I want someone who won’t always blindly give me what I want just because I want it – someone who will make me work for it as hard as I make them work for it. I want someone with principles, who isn’t afraid to call me out when I’m wrong, but who can do it in such a way that doesn’t undermine or belittle me. I want someone who doesn’t need to put me down or humiliate me in any capacity just because my strength makes them feel weak.

Do I place a tall and seemingly impossible order? 

Hell yes.

Only because I know that I deserve it. Only because I know that I am worth it. And only because I know that by wanting this in someone, I myself have to be prepared to be this for someone as well…

Label Me This...

We live in a society that tries to define everything. Who we are (male/female, black/white, old/young), what we do (doctor/lawyer/engineer/artist) and what we have (house/car/money/clothes/family) - everything has a label. Everything.


I've come to realize that labels mean nothing to the individual. It is for everyone else's satisfaction that we label things. It separates us from others; for some it makes the clear distinction that 'I am better than you because I am... [fill in the blank]... and you are not'. This is gratifying for those people.


It's the same with relationships. Everybody needs to define what your status is. Look at that silly little piece of information on the social network known as Facebook that changes so regularly like the ebb and flow of the tide: today she's In A Relationship... tomorrow he's Single. It amuses me, mostly because the people who promote these statuses are usually the ones who have no idea what their current state of mind is, nor who they truly are as individuals. 
Does it matter? Really?


Let's get off the Facebook roller-coaster and look at Life. Is it easier for you to know that you have the title of being someone's Girlfriend or Boyfriend? Does that make the relationship itself better in some way? Is the label liberating or limiting? Is it some sort of privilege?
Think about it.


Sometimes, we use labels in relationships as a way of stalling or buying time: 
If she's my Girlfriend, then I can relax a little and not have to worry about committing to any more than that for now.
I can do just enough and put in just enough effort to qualify as a Girlfriend/Boyfriend, but then my job is done.


I have gone from believing in the label to completely disregarding the label. Being someone's Girlfriend or Boyfriend means nothing these days it seems. Nor does being married or engaged in most cases, considering how completely astray our moral compass and sense of devotion has gone. 


I used to love being introduced as my man's Girlfriend, his Woman, his Wifey. This made me feel special; it put me on a pedestal and made me feel like a Queen. Other people knew that I was with him and therefore they would respect our relationship (in theory). But was I truly being treated like the Queen that I am anyway? Hell no. Especially not the way such titles get flung around like hot potatoes these days, there is no weight to them. Does being someone's [label here] qualify you for better treatment than you would have had without the label? It should, shouldn't it? But for some reason, having that label tends to make you a possession that consequently allows the (in)significant other to slack off and not try so hard. Having a label also heightens the wolf pack senses of haters and commentators, who come out in numbers to try and destroy what you are building. (Have you ever noticed how many people start hitting on you as soon as you're no longer available?)


I've come to the following conclusion for a great deal of reasons that I can't discuss in one post but humour me if you will, because this revelation has been liberating:
Being someone's [label here] means nothing in essence. I'm sorry if that hurts you. It's just a word. Get over it. I'm all about the action and the effort. Would I rather be someone's Girlfriend and have the title, or is it just good to be around someone who treats me with courtesy and respect, giving me time, attention and affection, regardless of the lack of definition of what we are? If all your needs are being met, then why is the title so necessary? Why do other people even need to know? If it feels good, why even define it? Enjoy it, embrace it... It is what it is.


Granted, it's a little difficult to keep introducing someone as: 'The person who is meeting all my needs and treating me with respect and making me smile at this point in my life; who knows where it could go but we're not particularly worried about defining it right now because it's all good for us, nice to meet you!'... So maybe that should be a label: 
It is what it is.

Rise In Love...

Falling in love.

I never seemed to have an issue with this particular phrase. Maybe it's because we use it so widely, and accept it as the 'standard' love procedure, that we haven't actually stopped to consider what it means. What has ever been good about any kind of falling anyway?

After a series of events that would inevitably lead any individual to be described as 'broken', in every conceivable sense of the word, I have started to re-evaluate the meaning of the phrase 'to fall in love', prompted by the words that came to me as the opening line for a new poetry piece:

I slipped and tripped and fell... in Love.

That about sums it up. Falling in love until now has meant nothing but metaphorical cuts, scratches, bruises, bloody knees and broken pieces of Heart, with a concussion or two thrown in thanks to banging my head on the way down. Falling in love leaves you disoriented, dazed, unsure of where to go or what to do, or even how the hell it happened in the first place - that's the slipping and tripping part. No warning. Note that banging your head when falling in love means that all common sense flies out the window (or out the abyss in this case).

Some of these love associations have been way too violent and harmful for my liking. Look at the word 'heart-broken'. It's only broken because you 'slipped and tripped and fell', right? 

Isn't Love supposed to lift us up? Isn't Love supposed to nurture our souls and help us grow? Isn't Love the be all and end all of Life? If that's the case (and I would like to sincerely believe that it is, otherwise why are we here?), then I would like to propose an alternative:

How about the next time Love comes our way, we don't have to be afraid of it and worry about falling in it? How about the next time Love comes around, we rise in it instead?