Always Play Fair

Conflict is inevitable in a relationship, especially when you don't see eye-to-eye on matters that you both feel very passionate about. The following is a rundown of how to make sure you always fight fair and don't ruin the relationship in the long run with unnecessary actions or comments.

• As much as possible, do not raise your voice - Raising your voice, especially when the other person is talking, is not only a sign of disrespect for what they are saying but also very unproductive. This will only cause the Ego to get involved and as a result, they will raise their voice and then you'll just have a whole lot of shouting with no discussion and no resolution in sight. It's also bad for your health, as the adrenalin increases your heart rate which could be harmful. Remember: You can get your point across just as (if not more) effectively by waiting until the other person has finished and then saying what you have to say quietly.

• Argue about the matter at hand - Don't use the discussion as a forum to bring up every other argument that you've ever had with each other. Storing up ammunition of past conflicts and saying now what you didn't say then will only hurt you both, especially when your partner now has to be aware that you will never forgive and forget past events. This will damage the trust in the relationship. Once a matter has been discussed and resolved, let it go and move on.

• No low blows - During the course of your relationship, your partner has undoubtedly revealed private things about themselves to you that they feel sensitive about. Do not use things that have been told to you in confidence as ammunition to hurt someone during a conflict. Fight fair.

• Do not argue in public - Not only is this embarrassing for you and your partner, it also looks bad and embarrasses the people around you who do not want to be involved. Publicly arguing frequently will also make you the subject of ridicule and gossip for 'airing your business in public'.  It will also label you as the 'drama' couple, meaning that none of your friends will take you seriously when you really do have something to argue about. 

Cultivate the kind of relationship whereby you can hold off your anger or annoyance until you can find a private setting to let your partner know what's bothering you. 

• Don't involve friends - Unless they are directly involved in the conflict, save your friends the drama and embarrassment of making them a part of the argument. Your friends are your friends and your partner's friends belong to them, so don't try to test their loyalties. You will end up looking like a fool and the last thing you need is for the most influential people in your partner's life to dislike you. Mutual friends should never be asked to pick sides - it's unfair for everybody involved. 

• Don't go to bed angry - You may have heard this one from married couples as some of the best advice they've ever received. You never know what tomorrow has in store, or if the person lying next to you will be there when you wake up. Anything could happen during the night while you are both sleeping. Don't take the chance of never letting someone know that you love them because you were too stubborn to leave it alone until the next day. If you cannot come to an agreement, agree to disagree for now until the next suitable time to discuss the issue. 

• Don't forget 'I love you' - Even if you are angry and even if you refuse to back down from your point of view, don't ever forget how you feel towards this person. The pros should always outweigh the cons and real Love should be able to rise above any argument. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean you don't love each other. Remember that.

• One argument should never be enough to bring down the relationship - If you have the kind of relationship where everything is rosy and you never argue, beware. If one big blowout can collapse everything you've built, then really question the strength of what you have. Also, don't be one of those 'breakup to make up' couples. If every argument ends with you breaking up, then something is definitely not right and no one will ever take you seriously. More often than not, a relationship with too many breakups will never last in the long run, so squash any romantic notions you may have about passionate and turbulent relationships being a representation of True Love. Did you know that it takes about 11 breakups in a turbulent relationship before finally breaking up for good?

• Don't mention family - There are certain people you should never mess with. Your other half's family is one of them. If you cannot accept that they are part of the package, then think about whether you can handle this relationship. If you have a legitimate complaint about something to do with his/her family, approach them at a proper time and place and not in an argumentative tone. Be suggestive of possible alternatives rather than accusing or attacking. Having said this, do not roll over and let your partner's family take advantage of you and encroach on your relationship. If your partner allows this, then check him/her on it. There may come a time when you become your partner's family; they need to prioritize when this happens.

• No violence. Ever. Do not hit and do not throw things, especially their things. As angry as you may be, disrespecting another person's body, territory or possessions is never warranted. If you think you're bad enough to hit someone, be prepared to take a hit (for guys who may scoff at the idea of a 'weak' woman hitting them back, don't forget that she probably knows men who are a lot tougher than you and who probably care about her a lot more!) Do not become 'the crazy girlfriend/boyfriend' that no one has anything to do with because you burned their stuff, keyed their car or smashed their phone against the wall. It's not a good look. Leave that juvenile behaviour in high school.

• Treat them the way you wish to be treated - If you want your opinion to be heard, it is only fair that you let them voice theirs as well. Turn arguments into productive discussions with the aim of finding a resolution rather than just yelling for yelling's sake. Always respect where the other person is coming from, even if you don't agree, do your best to see their point of view. Remember that not everybody thinks or behaves like you.

If you are a part of a relationship that makes you feel like a totally different person during an argument (the Incredible Hulk is one), especially a person you do not like nor recognize, then the relationship is not for you.

Secrets

My general belief is that as long as two people are on the same page, no matter which page in the book it may be (long-term commitment, friends with benefits, partners for life, etc.), then there will never be any issue big enough to put fatal cracks in what they've built. Being on the same page means that you want the same or very similar things out of Life. For example, if you would like to have children and your partner absolutely does not, then you are not on the same page and this is a potentially serious problem.

The same concept applies to secrets. Everybody has secrets or bits of information they would not necessarily divulge about themselves, especially to their partner. A good example of this is that a lot of people would never let their other half know how many sexual partners they've had in the past because this is an issue that tends to resurface in  later conflicts, especially if the number is high. During arguments, it's often natural to try and hit low blows to gain the upper hand - this topic is a hard low blow, especially if it is a past they are trying to forget... Nobody wants to be judged for past indiscretions, especially by someone they love. (My advice: Always Play Fair.)

Is it okay to keep secrets from your partner? 

There are two arguments to this. The first? I understand when it's necessary to keep a secret in order to protect someone's feelings. Some people may not find it relevant to let their boyfriend/girlfriend know that a significant ex tried contacting them recently (which is fine as long as the record is set straight with them and they know not to try and pose a threat to the relationship!) Furthermore, it's important to be true to yourself and remember that you stand alone as a whole in your own right before you stand with someone else as part of a bigger whole. In that respect, your partner (or anyone else for that matter) does not necessarily need to know everything about you, especially parts that you may not be comfortable with about yourself. As my partner and I have agreed:

If it happened before you came into my life and does not affect how we proceed as a couple, then it is irrelevant.

However... Also be aware that secrets have a way of coming back to haunt you. Especially the ones that you share with other people who could turn around and try to upset your current happiness. The only real secret is the one that nobody knows but you (not even your dog). 

First, you should decide how big a part of your life your current partner is going to be. Once you know that, then how much you should tell them about your life is going to correspond to it. The way I see it, I want the kind of relationship with my partner whereby anything anyone could say about me, to try and bring me down in his eyes, would be met with only one response: 

'You think I didn't know that already?' 

And vice versa. 

I want us to be so solid that the possibility of an external factor coming back to try and harm us - and given the type of society we live in where gossiping and backstabbing are common occurrences - is minimal to none. I don't ever want to reach a place where his phone ringing at midnight causes me concern, because he lets me know everything that is happening with him. He lets me know about the women in his life (past and present) and the role that they play and showers me with enough love, affection, time and attention to assure me that they should not even be on my radar. His behaviour towards me and towards others is consistent both in public and in private, and his character is one that I know well and can rely on through and through.  Because of how honest we have been with each other from Day One, the trust we have in one another is rock solid. Anything I can think of that may cause me to cringe from my past, he knows about. I know that no one can hurt us with supposed 'leaked information'. 

At least that's one relationship threat eliminated!

Honesty is easy at the beginning of a relationship. If a person cannot accept certain things about your past in the initial stages, then it's easy to tell them goodbye - clearly you aren't compatible. I also think that being honest with someone you are looking to be with helps you to be friends with them as well, which builds an even deeper connection to sustain the relationship in the long run. 

If you currently aren't friends with your partner, or if you regularly keep things from them - especially things you know could damage the bond - then I strongly suggest you re-evaluate where you think your relationship is going to end up.

It's true that honesty is the best policy. Especially if it sets the precedent for your relationship. I believe that once you have honesty, then trust and respect easily fall into place, providing a good foundation for Love to start growing as a result.

For Better Or Worse

Ain't nobody ever prove their love when things are all good and two people are smiling;
Love is found way down in the trenches when he's throwing a fit and she's sitting there crying...

~Trippin' (That's The Way Love Works) by Toni Braxton~

If you believe that real love is all smiles and butterflies and good times, you are greatly mistaken (but wouldn't it be lovely?). 

The true test of love happens when the proverbial "shit hits the fan". This is when you get to see how well you laid that foundation during the course of the relationship, especially in the beginning (the crucial three-month rule).

Don't expect to always see eye-to-eye with your partner. A little conflict is good for the soul, and for the relationship. It helps to test the boundaries you've both set as well as potentially open your eyes to a new way of thinking. It's at this point you remember that it's not just about you anymore; it's at this point that you learn to compromise.

Having arguments or disagreements in your relationship will also help you decide what you will and will not tolerate in your life - it's a wonderful learning experience in the journey of self-discovery. Consequently, this will let you know if it's time to step up and make the relationship work, or if it's time to say goodbye and go your own way. In a previous relationship, I discovered that the cons were outweighing the pros by a landslide when we were arguing more than we were loving each other, and I was turning into a person I did not know and furthermore, really did not like. Thank God she is now dead and buried.

Because of that relationship, I now have a very sensitive gauge which lets me know immediately when something isn't right or isn't good enough for me. No, it's not about making other men pay for a previous man's mistake. It's more about knowing when your emotions are being thrown off-balance to the point that you do not recognize you anymore. The dangers of this are enormous.

Of course, I'm not advocating picking fights over stupid little things or finding things wrong with your partner to bring up at inopportune moments simply to 'test' the strength of the bond between you and see if my theory is correct. You should never test your relationship on purpose. Trust me, nine times out of ten, if you go looking for something to be wrong, you will undoubtedly find it and nine times out of ten, it will be significantly worse than what you initially anticipated (which can only signal the beginning of the end for you both). And of course - I know my readers know better but in case it needed to be said - violence is never justified (the way I see it, if you're bad enough to give a slap, be hard enough to take one, end of story). 

What I am saying is that you need to be prepared to weather the storms that will inevitably come your way, often from the doing of outside circumstances or individuals. And when trouble comes - because trouble will come - you need to be so confident in the strength of your foundation that even during an argument, even when you are screaming and shouting at each other, even when you are crying or storming out of the room fuming, you know deep down that this is still your 'somebody'. 

And you don't want anybody else. 

And when the turbulence is over and the egos are bruised and the low blows have been unnecessarily dealt and you're wishing you had bitten your tongue and could take back the last twenty minutes, you know that it's time to swallow your pride and get up and fight for that person instead of with them. 

There is no room for ego in Love.

They call it 'for better or worse' for a reason. As long as your somebody makes you better, stick with them when the worse comes a-knocking...