Always Play Fair

Conflict is inevitable in a relationship, especially when you don't see eye-to-eye on matters that you both feel very passionate about. The following is a rundown of how to make sure you always fight fair and don't ruin the relationship in the long run with unnecessary actions or comments.

• As much as possible, do not raise your voice - Raising your voice, especially when the other person is talking, is not only a sign of disrespect for what they are saying but also very unproductive. This will only cause the Ego to get involved and as a result, they will raise their voice and then you'll just have a whole lot of shouting with no discussion and no resolution in sight. It's also bad for your health, as the adrenalin increases your heart rate which could be harmful. Remember: You can get your point across just as (if not more) effectively by waiting until the other person has finished and then saying what you have to say quietly.

• Argue about the matter at hand - Don't use the discussion as a forum to bring up every other argument that you've ever had with each other. Storing up ammunition of past conflicts and saying now what you didn't say then will only hurt you both, especially when your partner now has to be aware that you will never forgive and forget past events. This will damage the trust in the relationship. Once a matter has been discussed and resolved, let it go and move on.

• No low blows - During the course of your relationship, your partner has undoubtedly revealed private things about themselves to you that they feel sensitive about. Do not use things that have been told to you in confidence as ammunition to hurt someone during a conflict. Fight fair.

• Do not argue in public - Not only is this embarrassing for you and your partner, it also looks bad and embarrasses the people around you who do not want to be involved. Publicly arguing frequently will also make you the subject of ridicule and gossip for 'airing your business in public'.  It will also label you as the 'drama' couple, meaning that none of your friends will take you seriously when you really do have something to argue about. 

Cultivate the kind of relationship whereby you can hold off your anger or annoyance until you can find a private setting to let your partner know what's bothering you. 

• Don't involve friends - Unless they are directly involved in the conflict, save your friends the drama and embarrassment of making them a part of the argument. Your friends are your friends and your partner's friends belong to them, so don't try to test their loyalties. You will end up looking like a fool and the last thing you need is for the most influential people in your partner's life to dislike you. Mutual friends should never be asked to pick sides - it's unfair for everybody involved. 

• Don't go to bed angry - You may have heard this one from married couples as some of the best advice they've ever received. You never know what tomorrow has in store, or if the person lying next to you will be there when you wake up. Anything could happen during the night while you are both sleeping. Don't take the chance of never letting someone know that you love them because you were too stubborn to leave it alone until the next day. If you cannot come to an agreement, agree to disagree for now until the next suitable time to discuss the issue. 

• Don't forget 'I love you' - Even if you are angry and even if you refuse to back down from your point of view, don't ever forget how you feel towards this person. The pros should always outweigh the cons and real Love should be able to rise above any argument. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean you don't love each other. Remember that.

• One argument should never be enough to bring down the relationship - If you have the kind of relationship where everything is rosy and you never argue, beware. If one big blowout can collapse everything you've built, then really question the strength of what you have. Also, don't be one of those 'breakup to make up' couples. If every argument ends with you breaking up, then something is definitely not right and no one will ever take you seriously. More often than not, a relationship with too many breakups will never last in the long run, so squash any romantic notions you may have about passionate and turbulent relationships being a representation of True Love. Did you know that it takes about 11 breakups in a turbulent relationship before finally breaking up for good?

• Don't mention family - There are certain people you should never mess with. Your other half's family is one of them. If you cannot accept that they are part of the package, then think about whether you can handle this relationship. If you have a legitimate complaint about something to do with his/her family, approach them at a proper time and place and not in an argumentative tone. Be suggestive of possible alternatives rather than accusing or attacking. Having said this, do not roll over and let your partner's family take advantage of you and encroach on your relationship. If your partner allows this, then check him/her on it. There may come a time when you become your partner's family; they need to prioritize when this happens.

• No violence. Ever. Do not hit and do not throw things, especially their things. As angry as you may be, disrespecting another person's body, territory or possessions is never warranted. If you think you're bad enough to hit someone, be prepared to take a hit (for guys who may scoff at the idea of a 'weak' woman hitting them back, don't forget that she probably knows men who are a lot tougher than you and who probably care about her a lot more!) Do not become 'the crazy girlfriend/boyfriend' that no one has anything to do with because you burned their stuff, keyed their car or smashed their phone against the wall. It's not a good look. Leave that juvenile behaviour in high school.

• Treat them the way you wish to be treated - If you want your opinion to be heard, it is only fair that you let them voice theirs as well. Turn arguments into productive discussions with the aim of finding a resolution rather than just yelling for yelling's sake. Always respect where the other person is coming from, even if you don't agree, do your best to see their point of view. Remember that not everybody thinks or behaves like you.

If you are a part of a relationship that makes you feel like a totally different person during an argument (the Incredible Hulk is one), especially a person you do not like nor recognize, then the relationship is not for you.

Secrets

My general belief is that as long as two people are on the same page, no matter which page in the book it may be (long-term commitment, friends with benefits, partners for life, etc.), then there will never be any issue big enough to put fatal cracks in what they've built. Being on the same page means that you want the same or very similar things out of Life. For example, if you would like to have children and your partner absolutely does not, then you are not on the same page and this is a potentially serious problem.

The same concept applies to secrets. Everybody has secrets or bits of information they would not necessarily divulge about themselves, especially to their partner. A good example of this is that a lot of people would never let their other half know how many sexual partners they've had in the past because this is an issue that tends to resurface in  later conflicts, especially if the number is high. During arguments, it's often natural to try and hit low blows to gain the upper hand - this topic is a hard low blow, especially if it is a past they are trying to forget... Nobody wants to be judged for past indiscretions, especially by someone they love. (My advice: Always Play Fair.)

Is it okay to keep secrets from your partner? 

There are two arguments to this. The first? I understand when it's necessary to keep a secret in order to protect someone's feelings. Some people may not find it relevant to let their boyfriend/girlfriend know that a significant ex tried contacting them recently (which is fine as long as the record is set straight with them and they know not to try and pose a threat to the relationship!) Furthermore, it's important to be true to yourself and remember that you stand alone as a whole in your own right before you stand with someone else as part of a bigger whole. In that respect, your partner (or anyone else for that matter) does not necessarily need to know everything about you, especially parts that you may not be comfortable with about yourself. As my partner and I have agreed:

If it happened before you came into my life and does not affect how we proceed as a couple, then it is irrelevant.

However... Also be aware that secrets have a way of coming back to haunt you. Especially the ones that you share with other people who could turn around and try to upset your current happiness. The only real secret is the one that nobody knows but you (not even your dog). 

First, you should decide how big a part of your life your current partner is going to be. Once you know that, then how much you should tell them about your life is going to correspond to it. The way I see it, I want the kind of relationship with my partner whereby anything anyone could say about me, to try and bring me down in his eyes, would be met with only one response: 

'You think I didn't know that already?' 

And vice versa. 

I want us to be so solid that the possibility of an external factor coming back to try and harm us - and given the type of society we live in where gossiping and backstabbing are common occurrences - is minimal to none. I don't ever want to reach a place where his phone ringing at midnight causes me concern, because he lets me know everything that is happening with him. He lets me know about the women in his life (past and present) and the role that they play and showers me with enough love, affection, time and attention to assure me that they should not even be on my radar. His behaviour towards me and towards others is consistent both in public and in private, and his character is one that I know well and can rely on through and through.  Because of how honest we have been with each other from Day One, the trust we have in one another is rock solid. Anything I can think of that may cause me to cringe from my past, he knows about. I know that no one can hurt us with supposed 'leaked information'. 

At least that's one relationship threat eliminated!

Honesty is easy at the beginning of a relationship. If a person cannot accept certain things about your past in the initial stages, then it's easy to tell them goodbye - clearly you aren't compatible. I also think that being honest with someone you are looking to be with helps you to be friends with them as well, which builds an even deeper connection to sustain the relationship in the long run. 

If you currently aren't friends with your partner, or if you regularly keep things from them - especially things you know could damage the bond - then I strongly suggest you re-evaluate where you think your relationship is going to end up.

It's true that honesty is the best policy. Especially if it sets the precedent for your relationship. I believe that once you have honesty, then trust and respect easily fall into place, providing a good foundation for Love to start growing as a result.

For Better Or Worse

Ain't nobody ever prove their love when things are all good and two people are smiling;
Love is found way down in the trenches when he's throwing a fit and she's sitting there crying...

~Trippin' (That's The Way Love Works) by Toni Braxton~

If you believe that real love is all smiles and butterflies and good times, you are greatly mistaken (but wouldn't it be lovely?). 

The true test of love happens when the proverbial "shit hits the fan". This is when you get to see how well you laid that foundation during the course of the relationship, especially in the beginning (the crucial three-month rule).

Don't expect to always see eye-to-eye with your partner. A little conflict is good for the soul, and for the relationship. It helps to test the boundaries you've both set as well as potentially open your eyes to a new way of thinking. It's at this point you remember that it's not just about you anymore; it's at this point that you learn to compromise.

Having arguments or disagreements in your relationship will also help you decide what you will and will not tolerate in your life - it's a wonderful learning experience in the journey of self-discovery. Consequently, this will let you know if it's time to step up and make the relationship work, or if it's time to say goodbye and go your own way. In a previous relationship, I discovered that the cons were outweighing the pros by a landslide when we were arguing more than we were loving each other, and I was turning into a person I did not know and furthermore, really did not like. Thank God she is now dead and buried.

Because of that relationship, I now have a very sensitive gauge which lets me know immediately when something isn't right or isn't good enough for me. No, it's not about making other men pay for a previous man's mistake. It's more about knowing when your emotions are being thrown off-balance to the point that you do not recognize you anymore. The dangers of this are enormous.

Of course, I'm not advocating picking fights over stupid little things or finding things wrong with your partner to bring up at inopportune moments simply to 'test' the strength of the bond between you and see if my theory is correct. You should never test your relationship on purpose. Trust me, nine times out of ten, if you go looking for something to be wrong, you will undoubtedly find it and nine times out of ten, it will be significantly worse than what you initially anticipated (which can only signal the beginning of the end for you both). And of course - I know my readers know better but in case it needed to be said - violence is never justified (the way I see it, if you're bad enough to give a slap, be hard enough to take one, end of story). 

What I am saying is that you need to be prepared to weather the storms that will inevitably come your way, often from the doing of outside circumstances or individuals. And when trouble comes - because trouble will come - you need to be so confident in the strength of your foundation that even during an argument, even when you are screaming and shouting at each other, even when you are crying or storming out of the room fuming, you know deep down that this is still your 'somebody'. 

And you don't want anybody else. 

And when the turbulence is over and the egos are bruised and the low blows have been unnecessarily dealt and you're wishing you had bitten your tongue and could take back the last twenty minutes, you know that it's time to swallow your pride and get up and fight for that person instead of with them. 

There is no room for ego in Love.

They call it 'for better or worse' for a reason. As long as your somebody makes you better, stick with them when the worse comes a-knocking...

Divine Intervention

You say you want happiness.

So the Universe (call it what you want) takes a step back, looks at your current situation and assesses whether this is the path to your desired happiness or not. Then the Universe reaches in and tips the scale so that things can be rearranged to give you what you want. To you - in your Ego self, not realizing that you are just a small existence in a bigger picture - it seems that everything in Life is going wrong, nothing is going your way, without ever considering that things in your life are being rearranged in order for you to have that same happiness you initially requested.

You get so worked up and depressed over the things that have now been removed from your life - bad relationships, disloyal friends, a less than suitable job - that you cannot even see the world of opportunity that is about to open its doors to you, because you are so focused on the disruption of the life you had become familiar with. 

I am telling you to check yourself. Just because you were familiar with a circumstance does not mean it was the best circumstance for you. 

So stop. 

Just take a step back and stop. 

Stop trying to get back things that no longer serve a purpose in your life, stop crying over lost relationships that - believe me! - will not matter this time next year... stop getting in the way of letting the Universe do its job in giving you the happiness you asked for. You are only hindering the process... a process that you set in motion with your requests. Take some responsibility, dammit!

When it looks like nothing is going your way, shift your thinking. This upheaval is possibly the catalyst to getting exactly what you want. Think of it as the Universe, or some other force beyond your control, coming in and spring cleaning your life to make room for new and better things. We do it every few months with material possessions, so why can't we accept it with Life circumstances?

I went to see a spiritual man this time last year when my life was at an all-time low. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I had also found out news that meant that the person I wanted was no longer mine and - because of an unexpected twist - never would be. 

Father T said something to me that I will always remember, only because it made so much sense the more I thought about it. He said:

"You have been confused as to whether to keep this person in your life or not based on the things he did to you. You have been unable to make a decision to walk away once and for all, even for your own good. So... accept that the Universe made the decision for you."

The Universe made the decision for me. 

We don't always know what is best for us. But one thing is certain, we are always asking for the best. So, if you want to cry and pick up the pieces of a life or relationship you used to have, unable to fathom why it's now over, then do it. But if you choose to do that, then stop asking for better circumstances in your life. It's only then that the Universe will butt out of your business and leave you alone.

If you want better, understand that things need to rearranged in order for this to happen. And in that 'spring cleaning', items in your life will have to be thrown out to make some room. 

Decide now if you can handle that. Then embrace the beauty of what is to come if you can.

Greener Grass

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, you can be damn sure that the water bill is higher as well...

~A very wise person~

Envy is a terrible thing. 

Too many people want what other people have without thinking about what they probably had to go through to get it. For every seemingly happy person living their life in riches, success and abundance, they probably sacrificed a lot of blood, sweat and tears in hard work... or did something immoral/illegal. And for every seemingly 'perfect' relationship... you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Or how hard that couple had to fight external threats to their relationship to survive.

Stop wanting what other people have or being resentful of them. Be happy for those who are happy, especially if they've been through a lot to get there. You may not be where they are yet, but instead of saying, 'Why can't I have that too?', learn to shift your energy and  say: 'I can't wait to have that as well!'

Everybody gets their turn.

Be grateful for what you have. Be grateful for others who have what they want. 

And always be mindful that the greenest grass was probably fertilized by the most shit.

Equal But Different

I like apples. Green apples, to be exact. They call them Granny Smith apples. They're so firm and crunchy and full of taste, not too sweet but very juicy...

I also like oranges. I love sprinkling salt over peeled orange slices and leaving it in the fridge to cool and once the salt has dissolved into the sweet fruit, it tastes heavenly...

And some days, I'll just eat a banana.

Why am I talking about this?

----------------------------------------------------------

Oranges and apples are both fruit - different in character, but I enjoy both in equal measure.

Being in a relationship and being single? Learn to treat these different circumstances in equal measures of appreciation, and I believe you have successfully mastered the art of balance: balance in life and balance in your emotions.

Too many people hold being in a relationship on a pedestal. They feel that they are at their best as long as they have someone (which is often not the case). They feel like Life isn't worthwhile unless they're in a relationship. These people are really up when they're up (taken) and when they're down (single), it's disastrous. I know this firsthand.

Granted, I believe that the beauty in Life is having someone to share it with, I also believe there are times when that someone will just be yourself while that other person is finding their way to you. You need to have as much respect and appreciation for being single as you do for when someone is sweeping you off your feet. No one situation is better than the other - they are two sides of the same coin: equal, but different. Understand that. 

When I'm single, I am all about having fun, hanging out with friends, meeting new people and indulging in the freedom of doing what I want without having anybody on my mind but me. When I'm in a relationship, however, I'm a completely different person but equally happy, preferring to spend quiet nights at home in conversation or watching a movie with my partner, cooking together and taking mini vacations, with the odd night out thrown in (because I still love to get dolled up!). I still make time for my friends - who are uber-important to me - but my priorities shift and re-focus, and hanging out 24/7 isn't as necessary.

The me that I've become on this ongoing journey is one that is learning to be fulfilled no matter which situation I am given. I've reached a point where I'm getting too old (and fed up) to have all these ups and downs in my life and my moods, which I've allowed other people to have too much influence over. I've learned that I need to be so in control of myself that, come relationship or drought, I will be happy dammit!

You cannot control other people. You cannot control who loves you. You cannot make them stay if they don't want to stay. You cannot force someone to be with you just because you're lonely (you can be just as lonely in a relationship as you can without one). The only thing you can control is your inner balance. Find a place within yourself that feels good no matter what, a place that you can bring yourself back to when you feel out of whack, when you have relationship issues, when you feel lonely; a place where you show yourself some love, some compassion and most of all, some respect. Find a place to always have within your reach where the only thing on a pedestal is your relationship with you, where you put yourself and your needs before anyone else's. 

Some people find it in spirituality; some find it in meditation; some call this place God. 

It doesn't matter what you call it, just find it.

I have the word 'Believe' tattooed on the back of my neck, it's barely noticeable but it's for me and it's my word and it's my place to go to to know that I'm okay no matter what. Everything I have accomplished thus far is because I had a belief and because it started with me. It didn't matter whether I was in a relationship or not. It shouldn't matter whether you're in a relationship or not. Put plainly, enjoy being single. And then enjoy being in a relationship. And then, if it happens, enjoy the reunion with being single again! Don't let the ebb and flow of circumstance put you on an emotional rollercoaster that eradicates every trace of who you are at your core. 

Once you have found this inner balance - and believe me, it won't come overnight and it won't be easy! - then it doesn't matter if Life gives you oranges, apples or bananas... 

... you'll enjoy the taste every time. 

Designate A Day

Life is so busy that, more often than not, it passes us by while we're in the midst of rushing to catch up with it. I once heard a phrase that has stuck with me, especially whenever I heard some of my friends incessantly complain about how busy they are, too busy to take a drink, too busy to meet for lunch, too busy to write an email to say hello - it always frustrates me when people use that excuse. The phrase went something like this:

If you find yourself using the excuse of being 'too busy' all the time, then you need to re-evaluate what's happening in your life.

The truth is, there is always time. There is always time to do what you want, when you want. It's all about being in control of your time and not allowing other people to encroach on it. I'm sure many of you have heard of the work ethic to 'Leave your personal life or problems at the door'... this is all about being professional. 

It works exactly the same the other way around. It works exactly the same with relationships.

When you get home to the person who loves you, leave your work at the door. Leave your issues and your worries and your frustrations (and your BlackBerry!) where they are, and enjoy what you have come home to. Enjoy the people who love you, give them your full attention and everything else will take care of itself. The world will not stop spinning because you couldn't answer a phone call from work or go out with friends who want to party and drink all night long. Being a little selfish with your time is good. It shows control. It shows everyone who is the boss in your world.

To further this idea, I suggest that you Designate A Day. Some people call this 'Date Night' - it's exactly the same concept. Designate a time to devote wholly and solely to the nurturing of your relationship, and even if it is two hours on a Wednesday night, be dedicated to it. Stand by the commitment that every Wednesday, at such-and-such a time, it's about you and your partner. I don't think this is something that needs to be done only when you need to put the spice back into your relationship as an older married couple... Why not start from the get-go? It can be as simple as a conversation, cooking a meal together, watching a movie, reading together, foot rubs... you get the point. Think of it as the opportunity to reconnect and recharge from a major source of support in order to face the world again the next day.

My partner and I use our 'Designate A Day' to reconnect and reinforce what it is we need - physically, emotionally and spiritually - and what we want in our futures, both individually and together. This may include some talk about work but only if it affects us as a couple. (Sometimes we even help each other with work, which brings us a lot closer because we understand more about each other as a result.) After a hectic week, this time with my partner is to find my balance and reset my energy. And the more we do it, the more important it becomes and the easier it gets to make the time that we seem to never have. And I always leave that space with more inspiration, confidence and zest for my work projects.

So... Designate a day to nurture your most important relationships. You should never be too busy for that. Even if you are single (and even more so if you aren't), nurture the most important relationship you have, the one with yourself. 

In this crazy busy world, it's the least we can do to make the time to hold on to the things that centre us.

Great Expectations

We all have an idea of what our perfect person should be like in some capacity: how tall they should be, eye colour, hair colour, financial status, what kind of car they should drive, what kind of job they should have, how their family should behave, what qualities they should or shouldn't possess... (see What Do You Want?) 

What a boring place the world would be if we got what exactly what we wanted or expected all the time!

Expectations are a standard part of the way we live. Take the little girl who knows what her dream wedding will be like: it doesn't matter how many boyfriends come and go, she just knows that she wants this dress, with those flowers and the groom will show up (...someday) and fit into her picture (... somewhere). 

My ultimate dream wedding growing up was influenced by the movie The Sound of Music. I had the most grandiose ideas of getting married in an Italian cathedral with paintings on the ceiling... Even to this day it still has a nice traditional 'make-me-a-princess-just-for-one-day' ring to it. Then, as relationships came and went, I found my ideals about getting married changing. In the busy little world of Inside My Head - whether I discussed it with my 'somebody' at the time or not - I went from chapel trains and organs, to small and intimate, to huge and fun, to liking the idea of eloping, to not even caring about a piece of paper: Let's just shout 'I love you!' into the wind from a mountain-top... which is pretty much where I stand today.

I use weddings as an example but this works on so many levels...

We meet people who are 'potentials' and we tend to hold them to their highest potential, expecting them to fit into our idea of how things should be, rather than accepting who they are at any given moment. We always think of the person they could be for us rather than allowing the person that they currently are for themselves to simply exist in our world. No matter how many times I told my ex that I believe that he is a good person who knows what the right thing is, he still doesn't live up to his highest potential even today with other women. Which is fine, because that's who he is and who he wants to be right now. But that did make me realize back then that that wasn't for me and that he wasn't for me and I had to stop sitting around hoping that one day he would change to fit my ideal of him.

As I have grown and adapted to the potentials in my life, I realize that expectations are rather ridiculous. I realize that it's more about great adaptations than great expectations. I realize that if it's really Love, and the good kind (after all there is only one kind of real Love and if it ain't good then it ain't Love), then adapting does not hurt one bit. I've realized that every man I ever thought of as Mr. Perfect had absolutely nothing in common and nothing to do with the last Mr. Perfect, regardless of what my Mr. Perfect list looks like. They were all different, and rightfully so, because they each had something important to teach me at those points in my life. 

This is also why I don't believe in the idea of finding The One, but rather meeting The Right One For This Part Of The Journey.

It's true when they say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Everyone who came before this moment changed me and my expectations of Love in some way or another. I would like to think they made me strive for better and know my standards, whilst still be willing to compromise on qualities or differences that don't matter in the big picture. 

My only expectation of Love nowadays is that it feels good: even during the hard times, even during the arguments, it should be the thing that shines the most and feels the best. If it doesn't, then it's time for me to go.

Today, I know this: 

If my partner and I want the same things spiritually and emotionally, then the how, the when and the where will fall into place by itself. 

I cannot expect him to fit my ideal of Perfect that existed before he even arrived. What I have found though, is that my ideal of Perfect has found a way to fit him... and instead of checking all the boxes that I had pre-determined for my Mr. Right, this mister is creating boxes I had never even thought of. And they are all Right.

Now that is a Great Adaptation.

You Make Me Better

I'm a movement by myself... but I'm a force when we're together.
- You Make Me Better, Fabolous feat. Ne-Yo


It's half past midnight and I am exhausted. But there is something I have to tell you when it comes to deciding who to give your love to and when to give it to them.


The answer is: 
Give your love to the person who makes you better than you ever thought you could be.


Too many people settle for less than acceptable relationships with those that have issues with power, insecurity and sense of self. We make excuses for them; we defend them to our friends and family every time without fail; we give and give and give even though they are sucking the life out of us. We continue to love individuals who have kicked us, shoved us, pulled us under and pushed us over in order for them to get ahead or look good in front of others. 


I have been subject to humiliation and verbal degradation by a man - a boy - I damn near worshipped, but who never filled my cup in return. I thought that loving him harder, doing more for him, giving more to him, letting him walk all over me was the way to get him to finally wake up and love me properly. 


I was stupid then, we know this. Let's politely call it naïve for the sake of political correctness.


And only now can I see - with the arrival of this beautiful being (because that is how I see him) who increasingly respects and adores me, who nurtures my soul, brightens my spirit and makes my goals and dreams as important as if they were his very own - that I deserved so much better. And I always deserve better. And I should continue to allow myself to be with the person...
... who makes me better.

Learn When To Sit Down, Shut Up And Be Happy!

Right now, I'm sitting on the sofa wondering what I did to deserve this. I'm also waiting to see when exactly I will wake up. I just had to let you know that sometimes, you need to just shut up and be happy... and don't look for what could be wrong.

Let me elaborate...

Early this morning (a Sunday morning!), I had a business meeting and some errands to run... And I didn't have breakfast... And I have a lot of work to get done... And did I mention that it was Sunday? Never mind that last night my neighbours had a house party that rocked my entire residential area until 3:00am (complete with DJ and ten subwoofers). Never mind that Slick did not finish work until after midnight and had to drive in the opposite direction to drop others home before going back to his own home. Never mind that we both had an 8:00am wake up call... on a Sunday.

So Slick has been driving me around town all day, helping me to get stuff done. And still no breakfast. By a little after noon, we are both rather agitated. Hungry and tired and agitated. Documents to print, things to deliver, places to visit, calls to make... And then finally, some time around 3:00pm, we finally finish the business part of the day and make it back home to try and have... a Sunday afternoon.

With my agitated self, I started cleaning upstairs and managed to make more of a mess than I had started out with, thanks to the exploding bucket of mop water. Very frustrated and even more agitated, I came downstairs and threw a mini-tantrum about it.

Things could have gone very downhill from there. 

Instead, I find Slick - my Slick - in the kitchen, cooking up a three-course meal over an incredibly hot stove. 

He doesn't want any help. 

He doesn't even want me to be in the kitchen. 

He wants me to sit down. 

That's what he wants. 

And then he brings me a drink while I'm sitting on the sofa. 

And then he puts on my favourite music. 

It's Sunday afternoon! There is stuff to be done and this is the only day we can do it! I'm screaming inside.

But no. Slick says these exact words to me:

"Have a seat, baby. Here's a drink for you. Lunch will be ready soon."

Umm... Did I miss something? Did I win a lottery or something? 

WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!

This is what I want to scream at him. And then he sits on the sofa and gives me a five-minute foot rub while he's waiting for the rice to finish cooking.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

This is what I want to ask him. I want to know what movie he stepped out from.

And then he pours me another drink...

And then that same voice - the one that pops up and tells me off every now and then when I need it - comes alive.

Shut up, woman. Sit down, shut up and be happy.

...

...

What more can I say?

Bounce Back! - Part 2

I have come to the realization that Time has nothing to do with anything. 

Knowing someone for longer does not mean that you know them better. Being with someone for longer does not necessarily make your relationship more rock solid than that of a couple together for a shorter period of time. I know couples who have been together in destructive patterns for almost ten years... You would think ten years with someone would make for a pretty strong relationship, not so?

So, how long should you wait after a breakup to start feeling something like Love again? Who dictates what is a suitable amount of 'recovery' time? A week? A month? A year? 

There are so many factors to consider here: How long was the relationship? How serious was it? How emotionally attached to that person were you? How bad was the breakup? How independent and mature are you? How sensitive are you? How likely are you to learn from that experience and not repeat the same mistake twice? How good are you at giving love in your daily life? Everybody is different.

Like I said, I've realized that Time is inconsequential. What matters most is the connection and the experience itself.

Prior to my last relationship, I would have agreed that it takes a while to mend a broken heart and one should focus on mending the relationship with Self during the down time from being with someone else. I've already discussed 'dating myself' in previous posts and the importance of regaining your strength in-between relationships.

However, I have also written about the importance of bouncing back and knowing when to not let an opportunity pass you by. So here is the story that will illustrate the point of this post...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had never been happier than I was in my previous relationship. I was smiling - glowing even - every single day and letting everybody know that I was in love (Stupid Mistake #1039487), which was pretty uncommon for me in recent times, as people had gotten used to seeing me in social settings either solo or with friends. Hearing that I had a 'boyfriend' was a shock to most, much less seeing him accompanying me almost everywhere.

For me, that relationship was it. I had found what I was looking for. He checked all my boxes: he was tall, dark, handsome, ambitious, charming, hardworking, good family values, killer smile (and killer abs to boot!), with a sensitive side and needing to be loved. By me. It was perfect. He told his mother that I was the One dammit!

Why this short but incredibly blissful relationship ended, I simply cannot say. To the best of my knowledge, Prince Charming fell in-fatuation, called it Love and then freaked out when he woke up and realized that he didn't know how to be a man in Love when it hit him for real. Or maybe he thought he was supposed to match the standard of Love that I was giving to him. In short, he simply was not ready, despite spending two months convincing me that he was. 

(This also led to the birth of my 90-day Jackass Probation Program, which basically states that no one can keep up a charade of who they really are for more than three months without fail. So for 90 days with someone new, proceed with caution and take note of anything odd.)

My mind and body suffered more from the demise of that short relationship than it had during the turbulence of a relationship I had taken nearly four years to escape. I shriveled up and melted away until there was almost nothing left. Physically, I was disappearing. And people noticed. It was devastating... I felt ruined. I think the intensity of that feeling that I could only describe as Happiness had been so unlike anything I had ever experienced before... and I felt that nothing else would ever compare. 

But staying at home was driving me insane and I needed a distraction from dwelling on that hurt.

So, just to get myself out of the house, I started 'dating' (for want of a better word). No more than a couple of weeks following the breakup, I picked up and went out with a friend of mine who suggested we take in a movie. The next night I went out again and met a few new people. And so it continued - hanging out with someone new and meeting other newbies who would then take me out the following night. I always said 'yes' to a night out with people I had just met because it meant that conversation could flow (as well as alcohol!) for a few hours of 'So-Tell-Me-About-Yourself' chat, and I wouldn't have to think about It. By the time I got home at the end of the night, I would be too tired from sharing stories, drinking wine or clubbing that I wouldn't have the energy to focus on him. Three weeks passed with me keeping busy... that's 21 nights in a row!

By forcing myself to bounce back, whether I felt like it or not, I managed to start some amazing new friendships with people who have taken me to great new restaurants, bars and hangout joints that I never would have known about otherwise. I wasn't looking for anything, and I made sure that I went on these 'dates' with similar individuals who just wanted to spend a few hours in good company. I started exercising blatant honesty from the get-go with people I met, letting them know exactly what I was for and what I was about, because I was still hurting, though I hid it well. In all this blatant honesty (I like to call it a Zero-Tolerance Policy for Bullshit) I became empowered. I became... powerful. And funnily enough, this became... sexy. 

Imagine that.

And that's when 'Slick' showed up. Unexpected, unannounced, like a thief in the night, he just rode on into the busy little town of Me - completely uninvited - and said: 

'I'm here now.'

That's Slick. And that's how he henceforth shall be known to you.

He doesn't mind doing what he calls 'The Time Thing'; he doesn't mind waiting on me to decide I'm ready to let him in; he doesn't mind jumping over every single hurdle I place in front of him; and he not only catches, but also throws back (with flair), every goddamn curveball I give him. 

Slick doesn't treat me like a Queen. No no no, that's what made me so happy about the last one... Slick steps it up about two hundred notches: he treats me like a Goddess. A Goddess, dammit! Slick takes everything I have ever asked for and puts it in a blender with the things I never thought to ask for... then serves it with six cherries on top.

He is, as someone pointed out, my male counterpart. The Yin to my Yang.

... And I am resisting. With everything I've got, I'm resisting this confident cowboy (borderline arrogant, but in the way that works) and with every step back I take, he stands right where he is and refuses to go away.

'I'm not ready yet,' I say.

'Okay, I'll wait.'

'It's too soon,' I say.

'Whenever you're ready, I'm here.'

'My heart is broken,' I say.

'Time for some better glue.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*sigh*

So how long do you wait before bouncing back? If it's one thing I'm learning, once your heart is truly open to Love, you don't have to wait long at all. It doesn't matter what society says - if it's right, it's right.

I honestly think that my last relationship was a way of shifting my energy from cynicism about Love to... hopeful expectation of it. In that relationship, I got a taste of what unabashed Happiness felt like and opened myself up to wanting more. He wasn't ready for it and it disintegrated, but only to make room for someone else's arrival who was much better equipped for the task. My ex helped to open my Heart, maybe Slick is here to fill it.

This is my current understanding of how these things work. It doesn't matter when he came along. What matters is that he did.

I read this the other day:

Sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S. In case, like me, you think Slick may be too good to be true... He's two months into his 90-day Jackass Probation and shows no signs of faltering. Stay posted.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------