Always Play Fair

Conflict is inevitable in a relationship, especially when you don't see eye-to-eye on matters that you both feel very passionate about. The following is a rundown of how to make sure you always fight fair and don't ruin the relationship in the long run with unnecessary actions or comments.

• As much as possible, do not raise your voice - Raising your voice, especially when the other person is talking, is not only a sign of disrespect for what they are saying but also very unproductive. This will only cause the Ego to get involved and as a result, they will raise their voice and then you'll just have a whole lot of shouting with no discussion and no resolution in sight. It's also bad for your health, as the adrenalin increases your heart rate which could be harmful. Remember: You can get your point across just as (if not more) effectively by waiting until the other person has finished and then saying what you have to say quietly.

• Argue about the matter at hand - Don't use the discussion as a forum to bring up every other argument that you've ever had with each other. Storing up ammunition of past conflicts and saying now what you didn't say then will only hurt you both, especially when your partner now has to be aware that you will never forgive and forget past events. This will damage the trust in the relationship. Once a matter has been discussed and resolved, let it go and move on.

• No low blows - During the course of your relationship, your partner has undoubtedly revealed private things about themselves to you that they feel sensitive about. Do not use things that have been told to you in confidence as ammunition to hurt someone during a conflict. Fight fair.

• Do not argue in public - Not only is this embarrassing for you and your partner, it also looks bad and embarrasses the people around you who do not want to be involved. Publicly arguing frequently will also make you the subject of ridicule and gossip for 'airing your business in public'.  It will also label you as the 'drama' couple, meaning that none of your friends will take you seriously when you really do have something to argue about. 

Cultivate the kind of relationship whereby you can hold off your anger or annoyance until you can find a private setting to let your partner know what's bothering you. 

• Don't involve friends - Unless they are directly involved in the conflict, save your friends the drama and embarrassment of making them a part of the argument. Your friends are your friends and your partner's friends belong to them, so don't try to test their loyalties. You will end up looking like a fool and the last thing you need is for the most influential people in your partner's life to dislike you. Mutual friends should never be asked to pick sides - it's unfair for everybody involved. 

• Don't go to bed angry - You may have heard this one from married couples as some of the best advice they've ever received. You never know what tomorrow has in store, or if the person lying next to you will be there when you wake up. Anything could happen during the night while you are both sleeping. Don't take the chance of never letting someone know that you love them because you were too stubborn to leave it alone until the next day. If you cannot come to an agreement, agree to disagree for now until the next suitable time to discuss the issue. 

• Don't forget 'I love you' - Even if you are angry and even if you refuse to back down from your point of view, don't ever forget how you feel towards this person. The pros should always outweigh the cons and real Love should be able to rise above any argument. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean you don't love each other. Remember that.

• One argument should never be enough to bring down the relationship - If you have the kind of relationship where everything is rosy and you never argue, beware. If one big blowout can collapse everything you've built, then really question the strength of what you have. Also, don't be one of those 'breakup to make up' couples. If every argument ends with you breaking up, then something is definitely not right and no one will ever take you seriously. More often than not, a relationship with too many breakups will never last in the long run, so squash any romantic notions you may have about passionate and turbulent relationships being a representation of True Love. Did you know that it takes about 11 breakups in a turbulent relationship before finally breaking up for good?

• Don't mention family - There are certain people you should never mess with. Your other half's family is one of them. If you cannot accept that they are part of the package, then think about whether you can handle this relationship. If you have a legitimate complaint about something to do with his/her family, approach them at a proper time and place and not in an argumentative tone. Be suggestive of possible alternatives rather than accusing or attacking. Having said this, do not roll over and let your partner's family take advantage of you and encroach on your relationship. If your partner allows this, then check him/her on it. There may come a time when you become your partner's family; they need to prioritize when this happens.

• No violence. Ever. Do not hit and do not throw things, especially their things. As angry as you may be, disrespecting another person's body, territory or possessions is never warranted. If you think you're bad enough to hit someone, be prepared to take a hit (for guys who may scoff at the idea of a 'weak' woman hitting them back, don't forget that she probably knows men who are a lot tougher than you and who probably care about her a lot more!) Do not become 'the crazy girlfriend/boyfriend' that no one has anything to do with because you burned their stuff, keyed their car or smashed their phone against the wall. It's not a good look. Leave that juvenile behaviour in high school.

• Treat them the way you wish to be treated - If you want your opinion to be heard, it is only fair that you let them voice theirs as well. Turn arguments into productive discussions with the aim of finding a resolution rather than just yelling for yelling's sake. Always respect where the other person is coming from, even if you don't agree, do your best to see their point of view. Remember that not everybody thinks or behaves like you.

If you are a part of a relationship that makes you feel like a totally different person during an argument (the Incredible Hulk is one), especially a person you do not like nor recognize, then the relationship is not for you.