Divine Intervention

You say you want happiness.

So the Universe (call it what you want) takes a step back, looks at your current situation and assesses whether this is the path to your desired happiness or not. Then the Universe reaches in and tips the scale so that things can be rearranged to give you what you want. To you - in your Ego self, not realizing that you are just a small existence in a bigger picture - it seems that everything in Life is going wrong, nothing is going your way, without ever considering that things in your life are being rearranged in order for you to have that same happiness you initially requested.

You get so worked up and depressed over the things that have now been removed from your life - bad relationships, disloyal friends, a less than suitable job - that you cannot even see the world of opportunity that is about to open its doors to you, because you are so focused on the disruption of the life you had become familiar with. 

I am telling you to check yourself. Just because you were familiar with a circumstance does not mean it was the best circumstance for you. 

So stop. 

Just take a step back and stop. 

Stop trying to get back things that no longer serve a purpose in your life, stop crying over lost relationships that - believe me! - will not matter this time next year... stop getting in the way of letting the Universe do its job in giving you the happiness you asked for. You are only hindering the process... a process that you set in motion with your requests. Take some responsibility, dammit!

When it looks like nothing is going your way, shift your thinking. This upheaval is possibly the catalyst to getting exactly what you want. Think of it as the Universe, or some other force beyond your control, coming in and spring cleaning your life to make room for new and better things. We do it every few months with material possessions, so why can't we accept it with Life circumstances?

I went to see a spiritual man this time last year when my life was at an all-time low. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I had also found out news that meant that the person I wanted was no longer mine and - because of an unexpected twist - never would be. 

Father T said something to me that I will always remember, only because it made so much sense the more I thought about it. He said:

"You have been confused as to whether to keep this person in your life or not based on the things he did to you. You have been unable to make a decision to walk away once and for all, even for your own good. So... accept that the Universe made the decision for you."

The Universe made the decision for me. 

We don't always know what is best for us. But one thing is certain, we are always asking for the best. So, if you want to cry and pick up the pieces of a life or relationship you used to have, unable to fathom why it's now over, then do it. But if you choose to do that, then stop asking for better circumstances in your life. It's only then that the Universe will butt out of your business and leave you alone.

If you want better, understand that things need to rearranged in order for this to happen. And in that 'spring cleaning', items in your life will have to be thrown out to make some room. 

Decide now if you can handle that. Then embrace the beauty of what is to come if you can.

Greener Grass

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, you can be damn sure that the water bill is higher as well...

~A very wise person~

Envy is a terrible thing. 

Too many people want what other people have without thinking about what they probably had to go through to get it. For every seemingly happy person living their life in riches, success and abundance, they probably sacrificed a lot of blood, sweat and tears in hard work... or did something immoral/illegal. And for every seemingly 'perfect' relationship... you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Or how hard that couple had to fight external threats to their relationship to survive.

Stop wanting what other people have or being resentful of them. Be happy for those who are happy, especially if they've been through a lot to get there. You may not be where they are yet, but instead of saying, 'Why can't I have that too?', learn to shift your energy and  say: 'I can't wait to have that as well!'

Everybody gets their turn.

Be grateful for what you have. Be grateful for others who have what they want. 

And always be mindful that the greenest grass was probably fertilized by the most shit.

Equal But Different

I like apples. Green apples, to be exact. They call them Granny Smith apples. They're so firm and crunchy and full of taste, not too sweet but very juicy...

I also like oranges. I love sprinkling salt over peeled orange slices and leaving it in the fridge to cool and once the salt has dissolved into the sweet fruit, it tastes heavenly...

And some days, I'll just eat a banana.

Why am I talking about this?

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Oranges and apples are both fruit - different in character, but I enjoy both in equal measure.

Being in a relationship and being single? Learn to treat these different circumstances in equal measures of appreciation, and I believe you have successfully mastered the art of balance: balance in life and balance in your emotions.

Too many people hold being in a relationship on a pedestal. They feel that they are at their best as long as they have someone (which is often not the case). They feel like Life isn't worthwhile unless they're in a relationship. These people are really up when they're up (taken) and when they're down (single), it's disastrous. I know this firsthand.

Granted, I believe that the beauty in Life is having someone to share it with, I also believe there are times when that someone will just be yourself while that other person is finding their way to you. You need to have as much respect and appreciation for being single as you do for when someone is sweeping you off your feet. No one situation is better than the other - they are two sides of the same coin: equal, but different. Understand that. 

When I'm single, I am all about having fun, hanging out with friends, meeting new people and indulging in the freedom of doing what I want without having anybody on my mind but me. When I'm in a relationship, however, I'm a completely different person but equally happy, preferring to spend quiet nights at home in conversation or watching a movie with my partner, cooking together and taking mini vacations, with the odd night out thrown in (because I still love to get dolled up!). I still make time for my friends - who are uber-important to me - but my priorities shift and re-focus, and hanging out 24/7 isn't as necessary.

The me that I've become on this ongoing journey is one that is learning to be fulfilled no matter which situation I am given. I've reached a point where I'm getting too old (and fed up) to have all these ups and downs in my life and my moods, which I've allowed other people to have too much influence over. I've learned that I need to be so in control of myself that, come relationship or drought, I will be happy dammit!

You cannot control other people. You cannot control who loves you. You cannot make them stay if they don't want to stay. You cannot force someone to be with you just because you're lonely (you can be just as lonely in a relationship as you can without one). The only thing you can control is your inner balance. Find a place within yourself that feels good no matter what, a place that you can bring yourself back to when you feel out of whack, when you have relationship issues, when you feel lonely; a place where you show yourself some love, some compassion and most of all, some respect. Find a place to always have within your reach where the only thing on a pedestal is your relationship with you, where you put yourself and your needs before anyone else's. 

Some people find it in spirituality; some find it in meditation; some call this place God. 

It doesn't matter what you call it, just find it.

I have the word 'Believe' tattooed on the back of my neck, it's barely noticeable but it's for me and it's my word and it's my place to go to to know that I'm okay no matter what. Everything I have accomplished thus far is because I had a belief and because it started with me. It didn't matter whether I was in a relationship or not. It shouldn't matter whether you're in a relationship or not. Put plainly, enjoy being single. And then enjoy being in a relationship. And then, if it happens, enjoy the reunion with being single again! Don't let the ebb and flow of circumstance put you on an emotional rollercoaster that eradicates every trace of who you are at your core. 

Once you have found this inner balance - and believe me, it won't come overnight and it won't be easy! - then it doesn't matter if Life gives you oranges, apples or bananas... 

... you'll enjoy the taste every time. 

Designate A Day

Life is so busy that, more often than not, it passes us by while we're in the midst of rushing to catch up with it. I once heard a phrase that has stuck with me, especially whenever I heard some of my friends incessantly complain about how busy they are, too busy to take a drink, too busy to meet for lunch, too busy to write an email to say hello - it always frustrates me when people use that excuse. The phrase went something like this:

If you find yourself using the excuse of being 'too busy' all the time, then you need to re-evaluate what's happening in your life.

The truth is, there is always time. There is always time to do what you want, when you want. It's all about being in control of your time and not allowing other people to encroach on it. I'm sure many of you have heard of the work ethic to 'Leave your personal life or problems at the door'... this is all about being professional. 

It works exactly the same the other way around. It works exactly the same with relationships.

When you get home to the person who loves you, leave your work at the door. Leave your issues and your worries and your frustrations (and your BlackBerry!) where they are, and enjoy what you have come home to. Enjoy the people who love you, give them your full attention and everything else will take care of itself. The world will not stop spinning because you couldn't answer a phone call from work or go out with friends who want to party and drink all night long. Being a little selfish with your time is good. It shows control. It shows everyone who is the boss in your world.

To further this idea, I suggest that you Designate A Day. Some people call this 'Date Night' - it's exactly the same concept. Designate a time to devote wholly and solely to the nurturing of your relationship, and even if it is two hours on a Wednesday night, be dedicated to it. Stand by the commitment that every Wednesday, at such-and-such a time, it's about you and your partner. I don't think this is something that needs to be done only when you need to put the spice back into your relationship as an older married couple... Why not start from the get-go? It can be as simple as a conversation, cooking a meal together, watching a movie, reading together, foot rubs... you get the point. Think of it as the opportunity to reconnect and recharge from a major source of support in order to face the world again the next day.

My partner and I use our 'Designate A Day' to reconnect and reinforce what it is we need - physically, emotionally and spiritually - and what we want in our futures, both individually and together. This may include some talk about work but only if it affects us as a couple. (Sometimes we even help each other with work, which brings us a lot closer because we understand more about each other as a result.) After a hectic week, this time with my partner is to find my balance and reset my energy. And the more we do it, the more important it becomes and the easier it gets to make the time that we seem to never have. And I always leave that space with more inspiration, confidence and zest for my work projects.

So... Designate a day to nurture your most important relationships. You should never be too busy for that. Even if you are single (and even more so if you aren't), nurture the most important relationship you have, the one with yourself. 

In this crazy busy world, it's the least we can do to make the time to hold on to the things that centre us.

Great Expectations

We all have an idea of what our perfect person should be like in some capacity: how tall they should be, eye colour, hair colour, financial status, what kind of car they should drive, what kind of job they should have, how their family should behave, what qualities they should or shouldn't possess... (see What Do You Want?) 

What a boring place the world would be if we got what exactly what we wanted or expected all the time!

Expectations are a standard part of the way we live. Take the little girl who knows what her dream wedding will be like: it doesn't matter how many boyfriends come and go, she just knows that she wants this dress, with those flowers and the groom will show up (...someday) and fit into her picture (... somewhere). 

My ultimate dream wedding growing up was influenced by the movie The Sound of Music. I had the most grandiose ideas of getting married in an Italian cathedral with paintings on the ceiling... Even to this day it still has a nice traditional 'make-me-a-princess-just-for-one-day' ring to it. Then, as relationships came and went, I found my ideals about getting married changing. In the busy little world of Inside My Head - whether I discussed it with my 'somebody' at the time or not - I went from chapel trains and organs, to small and intimate, to huge and fun, to liking the idea of eloping, to not even caring about a piece of paper: Let's just shout 'I love you!' into the wind from a mountain-top... which is pretty much where I stand today.

I use weddings as an example but this works on so many levels...

We meet people who are 'potentials' and we tend to hold them to their highest potential, expecting them to fit into our idea of how things should be, rather than accepting who they are at any given moment. We always think of the person they could be for us rather than allowing the person that they currently are for themselves to simply exist in our world. No matter how many times I told my ex that I believe that he is a good person who knows what the right thing is, he still doesn't live up to his highest potential even today with other women. Which is fine, because that's who he is and who he wants to be right now. But that did make me realize back then that that wasn't for me and that he wasn't for me and I had to stop sitting around hoping that one day he would change to fit my ideal of him.

As I have grown and adapted to the potentials in my life, I realize that expectations are rather ridiculous. I realize that it's more about great adaptations than great expectations. I realize that if it's really Love, and the good kind (after all there is only one kind of real Love and if it ain't good then it ain't Love), then adapting does not hurt one bit. I've realized that every man I ever thought of as Mr. Perfect had absolutely nothing in common and nothing to do with the last Mr. Perfect, regardless of what my Mr. Perfect list looks like. They were all different, and rightfully so, because they each had something important to teach me at those points in my life. 

This is also why I don't believe in the idea of finding The One, but rather meeting The Right One For This Part Of The Journey.

It's true when they say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Everyone who came before this moment changed me and my expectations of Love in some way or another. I would like to think they made me strive for better and know my standards, whilst still be willing to compromise on qualities or differences that don't matter in the big picture. 

My only expectation of Love nowadays is that it feels good: even during the hard times, even during the arguments, it should be the thing that shines the most and feels the best. If it doesn't, then it's time for me to go.

Today, I know this: 

If my partner and I want the same things spiritually and emotionally, then the how, the when and the where will fall into place by itself. 

I cannot expect him to fit my ideal of Perfect that existed before he even arrived. What I have found though, is that my ideal of Perfect has found a way to fit him... and instead of checking all the boxes that I had pre-determined for my Mr. Right, this mister is creating boxes I had never even thought of. And they are all Right.

Now that is a Great Adaptation.