You Make Me Better

I'm a movement by myself... but I'm a force when we're together.
- You Make Me Better, Fabolous feat. Ne-Yo


It's half past midnight and I am exhausted. But there is something I have to tell you when it comes to deciding who to give your love to and when to give it to them.


The answer is: 
Give your love to the person who makes you better than you ever thought you could be.


Too many people settle for less than acceptable relationships with those that have issues with power, insecurity and sense of self. We make excuses for them; we defend them to our friends and family every time without fail; we give and give and give even though they are sucking the life out of us. We continue to love individuals who have kicked us, shoved us, pulled us under and pushed us over in order for them to get ahead or look good in front of others. 


I have been subject to humiliation and verbal degradation by a man - a boy - I damn near worshipped, but who never filled my cup in return. I thought that loving him harder, doing more for him, giving more to him, letting him walk all over me was the way to get him to finally wake up and love me properly. 


I was stupid then, we know this. Let's politely call it naïve for the sake of political correctness.


And only now can I see - with the arrival of this beautiful being (because that is how I see him) who increasingly respects and adores me, who nurtures my soul, brightens my spirit and makes my goals and dreams as important as if they were his very own - that I deserved so much better. And I always deserve better. And I should continue to allow myself to be with the person...
... who makes me better.

Learn When To Sit Down, Shut Up And Be Happy!

Right now, I'm sitting on the sofa wondering what I did to deserve this. I'm also waiting to see when exactly I will wake up. I just had to let you know that sometimes, you need to just shut up and be happy... and don't look for what could be wrong.

Let me elaborate...

Early this morning (a Sunday morning!), I had a business meeting and some errands to run... And I didn't have breakfast... And I have a lot of work to get done... And did I mention that it was Sunday? Never mind that last night my neighbours had a house party that rocked my entire residential area until 3:00am (complete with DJ and ten subwoofers). Never mind that Slick did not finish work until after midnight and had to drive in the opposite direction to drop others home before going back to his own home. Never mind that we both had an 8:00am wake up call... on a Sunday.

So Slick has been driving me around town all day, helping me to get stuff done. And still no breakfast. By a little after noon, we are both rather agitated. Hungry and tired and agitated. Documents to print, things to deliver, places to visit, calls to make... And then finally, some time around 3:00pm, we finally finish the business part of the day and make it back home to try and have... a Sunday afternoon.

With my agitated self, I started cleaning upstairs and managed to make more of a mess than I had started out with, thanks to the exploding bucket of mop water. Very frustrated and even more agitated, I came downstairs and threw a mini-tantrum about it.

Things could have gone very downhill from there. 

Instead, I find Slick - my Slick - in the kitchen, cooking up a three-course meal over an incredibly hot stove. 

He doesn't want any help. 

He doesn't even want me to be in the kitchen. 

He wants me to sit down. 

That's what he wants. 

And then he brings me a drink while I'm sitting on the sofa. 

And then he puts on my favourite music. 

It's Sunday afternoon! There is stuff to be done and this is the only day we can do it! I'm screaming inside.

But no. Slick says these exact words to me:

"Have a seat, baby. Here's a drink for you. Lunch will be ready soon."

Umm... Did I miss something? Did I win a lottery or something? 

WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!

This is what I want to scream at him. And then he sits on the sofa and gives me a five-minute foot rub while he's waiting for the rice to finish cooking.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

This is what I want to ask him. I want to know what movie he stepped out from.

And then he pours me another drink...

And then that same voice - the one that pops up and tells me off every now and then when I need it - comes alive.

Shut up, woman. Sit down, shut up and be happy.

...

...

What more can I say?

Bounce Back! - Part 2

I have come to the realization that Time has nothing to do with anything. 

Knowing someone for longer does not mean that you know them better. Being with someone for longer does not necessarily make your relationship more rock solid than that of a couple together for a shorter period of time. I know couples who have been together in destructive patterns for almost ten years... You would think ten years with someone would make for a pretty strong relationship, not so?

So, how long should you wait after a breakup to start feeling something like Love again? Who dictates what is a suitable amount of 'recovery' time? A week? A month? A year? 

There are so many factors to consider here: How long was the relationship? How serious was it? How emotionally attached to that person were you? How bad was the breakup? How independent and mature are you? How sensitive are you? How likely are you to learn from that experience and not repeat the same mistake twice? How good are you at giving love in your daily life? Everybody is different.

Like I said, I've realized that Time is inconsequential. What matters most is the connection and the experience itself.

Prior to my last relationship, I would have agreed that it takes a while to mend a broken heart and one should focus on mending the relationship with Self during the down time from being with someone else. I've already discussed 'dating myself' in previous posts and the importance of regaining your strength in-between relationships.

However, I have also written about the importance of bouncing back and knowing when to not let an opportunity pass you by. So here is the story that will illustrate the point of this post...

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I had never been happier than I was in my previous relationship. I was smiling - glowing even - every single day and letting everybody know that I was in love (Stupid Mistake #1039487), which was pretty uncommon for me in recent times, as people had gotten used to seeing me in social settings either solo or with friends. Hearing that I had a 'boyfriend' was a shock to most, much less seeing him accompanying me almost everywhere.

For me, that relationship was it. I had found what I was looking for. He checked all my boxes: he was tall, dark, handsome, ambitious, charming, hardworking, good family values, killer smile (and killer abs to boot!), with a sensitive side and needing to be loved. By me. It was perfect. He told his mother that I was the One dammit!

Why this short but incredibly blissful relationship ended, I simply cannot say. To the best of my knowledge, Prince Charming fell in-fatuation, called it Love and then freaked out when he woke up and realized that he didn't know how to be a man in Love when it hit him for real. Or maybe he thought he was supposed to match the standard of Love that I was giving to him. In short, he simply was not ready, despite spending two months convincing me that he was. 

(This also led to the birth of my 90-day Jackass Probation Program, which basically states that no one can keep up a charade of who they really are for more than three months without fail. So for 90 days with someone new, proceed with caution and take note of anything odd.)

My mind and body suffered more from the demise of that short relationship than it had during the turbulence of a relationship I had taken nearly four years to escape. I shriveled up and melted away until there was almost nothing left. Physically, I was disappearing. And people noticed. It was devastating... I felt ruined. I think the intensity of that feeling that I could only describe as Happiness had been so unlike anything I had ever experienced before... and I felt that nothing else would ever compare. 

But staying at home was driving me insane and I needed a distraction from dwelling on that hurt.

So, just to get myself out of the house, I started 'dating' (for want of a better word). No more than a couple of weeks following the breakup, I picked up and went out with a friend of mine who suggested we take in a movie. The next night I went out again and met a few new people. And so it continued - hanging out with someone new and meeting other newbies who would then take me out the following night. I always said 'yes' to a night out with people I had just met because it meant that conversation could flow (as well as alcohol!) for a few hours of 'So-Tell-Me-About-Yourself' chat, and I wouldn't have to think about It. By the time I got home at the end of the night, I would be too tired from sharing stories, drinking wine or clubbing that I wouldn't have the energy to focus on him. Three weeks passed with me keeping busy... that's 21 nights in a row!

By forcing myself to bounce back, whether I felt like it or not, I managed to start some amazing new friendships with people who have taken me to great new restaurants, bars and hangout joints that I never would have known about otherwise. I wasn't looking for anything, and I made sure that I went on these 'dates' with similar individuals who just wanted to spend a few hours in good company. I started exercising blatant honesty from the get-go with people I met, letting them know exactly what I was for and what I was about, because I was still hurting, though I hid it well. In all this blatant honesty (I like to call it a Zero-Tolerance Policy for Bullshit) I became empowered. I became... powerful. And funnily enough, this became... sexy. 

Imagine that.

And that's when 'Slick' showed up. Unexpected, unannounced, like a thief in the night, he just rode on into the busy little town of Me - completely uninvited - and said: 

'I'm here now.'

That's Slick. And that's how he henceforth shall be known to you.

He doesn't mind doing what he calls 'The Time Thing'; he doesn't mind waiting on me to decide I'm ready to let him in; he doesn't mind jumping over every single hurdle I place in front of him; and he not only catches, but also throws back (with flair), every goddamn curveball I give him. 

Slick doesn't treat me like a Queen. No no no, that's what made me so happy about the last one... Slick steps it up about two hundred notches: he treats me like a Goddess. A Goddess, dammit! Slick takes everything I have ever asked for and puts it in a blender with the things I never thought to ask for... then serves it with six cherries on top.

He is, as someone pointed out, my male counterpart. The Yin to my Yang.

... And I am resisting. With everything I've got, I'm resisting this confident cowboy (borderline arrogant, but in the way that works) and with every step back I take, he stands right where he is and refuses to go away.

'I'm not ready yet,' I say.

'Okay, I'll wait.'

'It's too soon,' I say.

'Whenever you're ready, I'm here.'

'My heart is broken,' I say.

'Time for some better glue.'

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*sigh*

So how long do you wait before bouncing back? If it's one thing I'm learning, once your heart is truly open to Love, you don't have to wait long at all. It doesn't matter what society says - if it's right, it's right.

I honestly think that my last relationship was a way of shifting my energy from cynicism about Love to... hopeful expectation of it. In that relationship, I got a taste of what unabashed Happiness felt like and opened myself up to wanting more. He wasn't ready for it and it disintegrated, but only to make room for someone else's arrival who was much better equipped for the task. My ex helped to open my Heart, maybe Slick is here to fill it.

This is my current understanding of how these things work. It doesn't matter when he came along. What matters is that he did.

I read this the other day:

Sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together.

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P.S. In case, like me, you think Slick may be too good to be true... He's two months into his 90-day Jackass Probation and shows no signs of faltering. Stay posted.

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Is Flirting Okay?

Now, I'll be real honest with you.

I believe that a little flirtation is good for the soul. Especially if you're single. It reminds you that you've 'still got it'.

Having said that, another thing that is good for the soul is knowing your boundaries. Especially if you're in a relationship. It shows respect for your partner.

Flirting is healthy as long as it is within reason. It's also healthy as long as you don't flirt with intent.

For example, banter is a form of flirtation. The wit involved in banter is something any person with a bit of common sense will appreciate. Even better, banter can happen between members of the same sex as well as members of opposite sex. Banter is simply playing with words and decorating our lyrical flow, and, being a lover of language, I'm all for it. (I blame countless hours of Shakespeare in high school.)

A lot of customer service-based industries require a certain amount of banter and flirtation (or flattery, if you prefer) for effective results. Flirting is just another way of 'stroking one's ego'. Classic scenario: a nightclub. Party-goers will flirt shamelessly with the bouncers for free or easy entry; a bartender will give a compliment or two in return for a nice tip; girls will approach the DJ with smiles and giggles galore to hear the song they want... It's all flirtation in various forms, and it's harmless too. Even I will admit to flashing an extra special and slightly flirtatious smile at the porters in the airport when waiting for my bags, which usually ends up with my not having to lift heavy suitcases onto the trolley by myself, and not having to pay for it either. Now, what's wrong with that?

So, is a certain degree of flirtation with others okay in a relationship setting?

In my opinion, absolutely.

How much freedom do you allow your partner when it comes to flirting? First of all, let's get one thing straight: I firmly believe that the definition of cheating is anything you would not want your partner to know about. So if you don't feel the need to hide it from them, then kudos to you.

If another woman decides she wants to try and flirt with my partner, I have no problem with that. How is she supposed to know he's taken before approaching him? If my partner is looking as good as he was when we first met, who can blame other women for looking on or complimenting him? As long as he behaves and responds with respect to our relationship, I don't see any problems. In fact, I fully appreciate knowing that my man has still got what it takes to make the ladies swoon. It means I have a prize catch. Even more so, it keeps me on my toes because I am reminded that the work to keep the chemistry alive does not end once we get together. What makes him even more of a catch is if he is the type of man to respectfully decline any offers of promiscuity and then point me out in the crowd and say: 'I'm with her.' (Swiftly followed by a wink or sexy smile in my direction as I catch his eye, or a strong arm sneaking around my waist once I am in close proximity.)

Flirting with intent is a different story. When you flirt with someone with intentions of taking it past the current setting or situation, then you are asking for trouble and you are overstepping your boundaries. This includes, but is not limited to, taking someone's phone number, calling or texting them with ongoing flirtation, leaving the party or gathering with them to go somewhere else and of course, flirting with the intention of becoming physical with them. Shame on you.

You see, it's all about the balance and the trust, respect and boundaries that you both agreed upon when laying the foundations of the relationship. I am not advocating shamelessly flirting left, right and centre at every opportunity. Nor am I suggesting that you play games with your partner's - or anybody else's, for that matter - feelings. What I am saying is that the jealous, possessive natures of so many people is uncalled for. Do you think that by digging your claws into your partner and not allowing anybody to approach them or not allowing them to talk to anybody of the opposite sex who looks good, or who might potentially make a move on them, is going to be appealing behaviour to anybody, much less your partner? Are you that insecure, or is your relationship that unstable, that you cannot leave your partner alone in a social setting for more than a few minutes without worrying about what he or she is up to and who may be talking to them?

I know way too many relationships like this. As an outsider, it makes me not want to be around either party in the relationship, even if they are my friends. I don't feel like being watched like a hawk by some guy's girlfriend just because she doesn't trust him (which has nothing to do with me), nor do I feel like being monitored by any of my girlfriends' boyfriends because they think she may be encouraged to look at other men. I especially hate the constant phone calls or texts (both male and female) to check up on where you are, who you're with, what you're doing... It's exhausting, people, and personally, I'm too old for that shit.

If you don't trust your partner, then leave them. Simple as that. The relationship doesn't have a chance in hell without trust - love has nothing to do with it. Take this from the woman who loved with all her heart and still managed to find out how much of a rat her ex was with a simple glance at his inbox, an act which in itself showed how little I trusted him to begin with.

As long as your partner knows who they are with and who they are coming home to, and isn't afraid to show it, you have nothing to worry about. The only time you need to step in is when the third party will not take the hint and blatantly disrespects your relationship (stay tuned for that post).

Have you ever seen the opening scene of When A Man Loves A Woman with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia? The first time I saw it, it left me smiling and made such an impression. Two strangers flirt shamelessly in a bar, much to the chagrin of their onlookers and potential suitors, only to reveal that they are not strangers in fact, but a married couple finding ways to keep the fire alive in their relationship... So how do you keep the fire alive in yours?

Both my partner and I know what we have going for us as individuals and we know the strength of our foundation as a couple. It's flattering to know you've still got your swagger and your appeal even though you're in a relationship, as long as it doesn't cross the line (wherever you may have decided that line is beforehand). And besides, he knows all too well that if he steps out of line or I see something I don't like, it takes nothing for me to slip on my LBD and red heels and let him know that I'm headed for 'a night out with the girls.' 

Trust me, it works...