Is Flirting Okay?

Now, I'll be real honest with you.

I believe that a little flirtation is good for the soul. Especially if you're single. It reminds you that you've 'still got it'.

Having said that, another thing that is good for the soul is knowing your boundaries. Especially if you're in a relationship. It shows respect for your partner.

Flirting is healthy as long as it is within reason. It's also healthy as long as you don't flirt with intent.

For example, banter is a form of flirtation. The wit involved in banter is something any person with a bit of common sense will appreciate. Even better, banter can happen between members of the same sex as well as members of opposite sex. Banter is simply playing with words and decorating our lyrical flow, and, being a lover of language, I'm all for it. (I blame countless hours of Shakespeare in high school.)

A lot of customer service-based industries require a certain amount of banter and flirtation (or flattery, if you prefer) for effective results. Flirting is just another way of 'stroking one's ego'. Classic scenario: a nightclub. Party-goers will flirt shamelessly with the bouncers for free or easy entry; a bartender will give a compliment or two in return for a nice tip; girls will approach the DJ with smiles and giggles galore to hear the song they want... It's all flirtation in various forms, and it's harmless too. Even I will admit to flashing an extra special and slightly flirtatious smile at the porters in the airport when waiting for my bags, which usually ends up with my not having to lift heavy suitcases onto the trolley by myself, and not having to pay for it either. Now, what's wrong with that?

So, is a certain degree of flirtation with others okay in a relationship setting?

In my opinion, absolutely.

How much freedom do you allow your partner when it comes to flirting? First of all, let's get one thing straight: I firmly believe that the definition of cheating is anything you would not want your partner to know about. So if you don't feel the need to hide it from them, then kudos to you.

If another woman decides she wants to try and flirt with my partner, I have no problem with that. How is she supposed to know he's taken before approaching him? If my partner is looking as good as he was when we first met, who can blame other women for looking on or complimenting him? As long as he behaves and responds with respect to our relationship, I don't see any problems. In fact, I fully appreciate knowing that my man has still got what it takes to make the ladies swoon. It means I have a prize catch. Even more so, it keeps me on my toes because I am reminded that the work to keep the chemistry alive does not end once we get together. What makes him even more of a catch is if he is the type of man to respectfully decline any offers of promiscuity and then point me out in the crowd and say: 'I'm with her.' (Swiftly followed by a wink or sexy smile in my direction as I catch his eye, or a strong arm sneaking around my waist once I am in close proximity.)

Flirting with intent is a different story. When you flirt with someone with intentions of taking it past the current setting or situation, then you are asking for trouble and you are overstepping your boundaries. This includes, but is not limited to, taking someone's phone number, calling or texting them with ongoing flirtation, leaving the party or gathering with them to go somewhere else and of course, flirting with the intention of becoming physical with them. Shame on you.

You see, it's all about the balance and the trust, respect and boundaries that you both agreed upon when laying the foundations of the relationship. I am not advocating shamelessly flirting left, right and centre at every opportunity. Nor am I suggesting that you play games with your partner's - or anybody else's, for that matter - feelings. What I am saying is that the jealous, possessive natures of so many people is uncalled for. Do you think that by digging your claws into your partner and not allowing anybody to approach them or not allowing them to talk to anybody of the opposite sex who looks good, or who might potentially make a move on them, is going to be appealing behaviour to anybody, much less your partner? Are you that insecure, or is your relationship that unstable, that you cannot leave your partner alone in a social setting for more than a few minutes without worrying about what he or she is up to and who may be talking to them?

I know way too many relationships like this. As an outsider, it makes me not want to be around either party in the relationship, even if they are my friends. I don't feel like being watched like a hawk by some guy's girlfriend just because she doesn't trust him (which has nothing to do with me), nor do I feel like being monitored by any of my girlfriends' boyfriends because they think she may be encouraged to look at other men. I especially hate the constant phone calls or texts (both male and female) to check up on where you are, who you're with, what you're doing... It's exhausting, people, and personally, I'm too old for that shit.

If you don't trust your partner, then leave them. Simple as that. The relationship doesn't have a chance in hell without trust - love has nothing to do with it. Take this from the woman who loved with all her heart and still managed to find out how much of a rat her ex was with a simple glance at his inbox, an act which in itself showed how little I trusted him to begin with.

As long as your partner knows who they are with and who they are coming home to, and isn't afraid to show it, you have nothing to worry about. The only time you need to step in is when the third party will not take the hint and blatantly disrespects your relationship (stay tuned for that post).

Have you ever seen the opening scene of When A Man Loves A Woman with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia? The first time I saw it, it left me smiling and made such an impression. Two strangers flirt shamelessly in a bar, much to the chagrin of their onlookers and potential suitors, only to reveal that they are not strangers in fact, but a married couple finding ways to keep the fire alive in their relationship... So how do you keep the fire alive in yours?

Both my partner and I know what we have going for us as individuals and we know the strength of our foundation as a couple. It's flattering to know you've still got your swagger and your appeal even though you're in a relationship, as long as it doesn't cross the line (wherever you may have decided that line is beforehand). And besides, he knows all too well that if he steps out of line or I see something I don't like, it takes nothing for me to slip on my LBD and red heels and let him know that I'm headed for 'a night out with the girls.' 

Trust me, it works...