Know Your Relationship

Relationships undoubtedly have enough ups and downs to go through as it is without an outsider trying to get in the mix and ruin things for a couple. Unfortunately, these people do exist (in amazing abundance!) and there will most likely be some sort of threat to any relationship at any given time, especially if either individual in the couple has had a very active sexual past, a very social past and/or works/lives in the public eye.

More recently, I was called on to be the peacemaker during a disagreement between a couple I am very close to regarding a text message that was sent from a former flame. In short, said flame had moved away to a different country and was back in town to celebrate her birthday. Needless to say, the text message she sent was undoubtedly suggestive and very upsetting to the girlfriend who came across it when making a call on her boyfriend's phone.

Now, I've had my crazy days. I have been down the road of being that girl who would have turned Incredible Hulk in a matter of seconds having found any kind of flirtatious message on my partner's phone, thanks to the lying, cheating ways of an ex or two. And I fully empathize with the girl who is subject to seeing a message from another heifer who decides she wants to celebrate her birthday with said girl's man.

However, looking at the situation a little more closely, the text message was sent during the time that the couple was asleep. Girlfriend picked up the phone to make a call before Boyfriend had even woken up, therefore agreeing that he had not even seen the message that she was upset about. It was also clear that this message was the opening conversation message and not a reply from a previous line of texts, which would have shown that he was actively responding and encouraging certain chat. Boyfriend was clearly upset that he was being accused of something he didn't do, stating that he has never locked his phone or not allowed her to use it whenever she wanted, showing that he has nothing to hide. In his defense, he argued that she can't be upset with him for a text that he had no control over and had not seen, from someone he had not heard from in forever...

Now, I see both sides of the story and I also agree to a certain extent with them both. What it boils down to is trust: Has your partner ever given you reason to doubt them? Has your partner ever been unfaithful to you in the past? Have you had problems like this before?

Answering 'yes' to any of those questions already indicates that there are some issues to be worked on, or you should probably walk away.

Do you trust your partner?

As I sat and thought about it more, I came to my own conclusions about relationships, particularly my own. I have a good-looking and popular partner... and so does he :) We don't live our relationship out in the open where you can find a million and one mushy photos of us on Facebook (otherwise known as pissing on one's territory) or see us making out in the street in public. So understandably, unless you are part of our close friends, family and work colleagues circle, you wouldn't necessarily know that we were with each other, which is fine with us because whoever is supposed to know, knows. We also trust that we each conduct ourselves in a way that is respectful to the union whenever we aren't together. However, I can't deny that there will be girls who try to approach Slick, unaware of his relationship status, in the same way that a guy I haven't been in touch with in years might try and contact me to let me know that he's 'in town' for a while. You can't blame other people for getting in touch to 'try a thing'... If they're single, more power to them for testing the boundary. They had to find out somehow, right?

My concern is not the person who tries to approach Slick. My concern should only ever be Slick's reaction to it. There is really no point in my being upset with him because some insignificant outsider decided to test the waters and see if he was still single. If we lived our relationship in the public (or Facebook) eye, then yes, I probably would give him an earful for girls messaging him who should have known better and heard about us already...

Right now, I have no reason not to trust him, and if I did, I wouldn't be with him. If he gets a message from a girl in his past, more likely than not he'd probably show it me and then delete it after we laughed it off. His reaction is don't respond, don't cater. Fair enough, I try to understand his reasoning. If a guy from my past contacts me, my reaction is to let them know about the pending arrival of my baby with the man in my life. That usually stops any further flirtation attempt and sends the clear signal that the only thing I have to offer you from here on out is friendship, if you don't like it, leave...

My point is: Know your relationship. In other words, pick and choose your battles. Know what your bond is capable of handling and learn to focus your energies on issues that really matter in the progression of the relationship. When you think about it, most outsiders are simply trying to see how far they can get or how much trouble they can cause before going on their merry way, leaving your relationship in turmoil because you allowed someone else to affect you. You have enough to go through within a relationship without concerning yourself with other people who don't matter, who didn't know or who could be simply trying to stir up trouble. Don't waste too much energy making your partner pay for other people's attempts if you have no proof that they've done you wrong. If you have a strong foundation based on honesty, then a text message should be peanuts... 

If a woman looks at your man, or a man texts your woman, don't get upset right off the bat especially if the person did not know that your partner was now taken... Having said that, if someone were to step to my partner fully well knowing that he was in a relationship - much less one with me - and not respecting that fact... well, then that's a whole other ballgame...