It's Not Them, It's You!

*There are a few people - friends of mine - who will be upset by this particular chapter of Blunderstandings because what I'm discussing may very well be about them. To those friends I apologize.

The cold, hard truth is really difficult for many people to accept. So much so that we often face it with anger, denial or ignorance. I believe this comes from a fear of realizing that in order for things to change for us, we must change ourselves. So simple, so true... and yet so bloody difficult to implement. Nobody likes change.

There is a quote I love which says that in order to be something you've never been, you have to do something you've never done. In other words, if you're fed up with getting the same results in any aspect of your life, you need to change the way you do things. In other words, stop expecting the same old methods to produce new outcomes. 

We all like to play the Blame Game: somebody else is always responsible for our misery, be it an ex-lover, our parents, friends, the chair we stumped our toe on, the Universe, God... Yes, even I will admit to the countless times I was convinced that 'the man upstairs' had a personal vendetta against me (and me alone) and was determined to make me as miserable as I could possibly be, especially in love. How self-important, I think to myself now as I recall endless nights of crying: Why me? Why meeeeeeeee?!

I write this because I have been there. I have blamed so many factors and people for my own shortcomings in love, without realizing that it is nobody's responsibility to make things happen for me but me. 

I mentioned in Be What It Is That You Want a close friend of mine who was yearning for a relationship. There are others like this, who have let their desire (desperation) to connect with somebody (though sometimes I feel that they would settle for just anybody) consume them to the point that they come to a complete standstill in their personal growth, out of stubbornness to absolutely not move until they find somebody to grow with. Conversations with these friends are frustrating to say the least. Their level of anger, complaining, stubbornness and moodiness is to such a degree that one feels like screaming: 


THIS RIGHT HERE!! THIS IS WHY YOU ARE ALONE! AND THIS IS WHY EVEN IF YOU DO FIND SOMEBODY, YOU WILL PUSH THEM AWAY IN A MATTER OF WEEKS!

*pause*

Sometimes you're not ready as an individual to be part of a couple, dammit! Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, it's not that the world is out to get you, and it's not that the Universe hates you, and it's not that somebody stole that guy from you, and it's not that the girl you like used you... Could you ever fathom that the problem is actually indeed... you? Don't hate me, but some of you have consumed yourselves with wanting the perfect relationship by simply expecting it to drop into your lap without any legwork or preparation on your part. 

Let's say that somehow this perfect relationship did come along. Do you know what would happen? You've been so busy pinning all your hopes and dreams and happiness on this fantasy person (without getting off your ass and doing anything to be a happy person in the interim) that when they do arrive - and you will stupidly believe that the first person to knock is the one you've been waiting for - they will feel so pressured by the enormity of your commitment and willingness to give, give, give, give, give that they will feel suffocated. They will be unable to rise to the task of being your everything from the get-go. And they will break free. You will cause your relationship's demise before it has even begun, trust me.

You can't skip the steps, honey. Do the damn work. Grow, for God's sake.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn. I was so convinced that waiting for one person to give my all to was the way to go. I really should have been exercising my social, personal, communication and relationship skills by giving bits of myself to people and not all of me to person. I've found that in the short period of time that I have actually given the 'dating' thing a go - rather than always jumping into the 'commitment' thing - the worthy candidates for a relationship are rising to the top a lot faster than if I was sitting around miserable and waiting for that one person. I have been to new and fun places that I didn't know about before, met a number of people and made new friends... and all of this is contributing to my growth and how good I feel about me and my worth.

My point? 

I changed the way I did things, and now I am seeing results that I wasn't even looking for. And maybe I'm not in a serious long-term relationship yet... so what? It may be what I was originally craving and living for, but now, instead of lamenting over not having it, I am excited and hopeful for when it does 'drop in my lap'. I took my downtime as time for Me, so I can honestly say that the person that comes along is going to get the best me available, without all the anger and resentment and residue of blaming everything around me for my circumstance... because I am learning to relax, let go, take responsibility for my attitude towards relationships and have a little fun along the way. 

It wouldn't kill you to try it.