Bounce Back! - Part 2

I have come to the realization that Time has nothing to do with anything. 

Knowing someone for longer does not mean that you know them better. Being with someone for longer does not necessarily make your relationship more rock solid than that of a couple together for a shorter period of time. I know couples who have been together in destructive patterns for almost ten years... You would think ten years with someone would make for a pretty strong relationship, not so?

So, how long should you wait after a breakup to start feeling something like Love again? Who dictates what is a suitable amount of 'recovery' time? A week? A month? A year? 

There are so many factors to consider here: How long was the relationship? How serious was it? How emotionally attached to that person were you? How bad was the breakup? How independent and mature are you? How sensitive are you? How likely are you to learn from that experience and not repeat the same mistake twice? How good are you at giving love in your daily life? Everybody is different.

Like I said, I've realized that Time is inconsequential. What matters most is the connection and the experience itself.

Prior to my last relationship, I would have agreed that it takes a while to mend a broken heart and one should focus on mending the relationship with Self during the down time from being with someone else. I've already discussed 'dating myself' in previous posts and the importance of regaining your strength in-between relationships.

However, I have also written about the importance of bouncing back and knowing when to not let an opportunity pass you by. So here is the story that will illustrate the point of this post...

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I had never been happier than I was in my previous relationship. I was smiling - glowing even - every single day and letting everybody know that I was in love (Stupid Mistake #1039487), which was pretty uncommon for me in recent times, as people had gotten used to seeing me in social settings either solo or with friends. Hearing that I had a 'boyfriend' was a shock to most, much less seeing him accompanying me almost everywhere.

For me, that relationship was it. I had found what I was looking for. He checked all my boxes: he was tall, dark, handsome, ambitious, charming, hardworking, good family values, killer smile (and killer abs to boot!), with a sensitive side and needing to be loved. By me. It was perfect. He told his mother that I was the One dammit!

Why this short but incredibly blissful relationship ended, I simply cannot say. To the best of my knowledge, Prince Charming fell in-fatuation, called it Love and then freaked out when he woke up and realized that he didn't know how to be a man in Love when it hit him for real. Or maybe he thought he was supposed to match the standard of Love that I was giving to him. In short, he simply was not ready, despite spending two months convincing me that he was. 

(This also led to the birth of my 90-day Jackass Probation Program, which basically states that no one can keep up a charade of who they really are for more than three months without fail. So for 90 days with someone new, proceed with caution and take note of anything odd.)

My mind and body suffered more from the demise of that short relationship than it had during the turbulence of a relationship I had taken nearly four years to escape. I shriveled up and melted away until there was almost nothing left. Physically, I was disappearing. And people noticed. It was devastating... I felt ruined. I think the intensity of that feeling that I could only describe as Happiness had been so unlike anything I had ever experienced before... and I felt that nothing else would ever compare. 

But staying at home was driving me insane and I needed a distraction from dwelling on that hurt.

So, just to get myself out of the house, I started 'dating' (for want of a better word). No more than a couple of weeks following the breakup, I picked up and went out with a friend of mine who suggested we take in a movie. The next night I went out again and met a few new people. And so it continued - hanging out with someone new and meeting other newbies who would then take me out the following night. I always said 'yes' to a night out with people I had just met because it meant that conversation could flow (as well as alcohol!) for a few hours of 'So-Tell-Me-About-Yourself' chat, and I wouldn't have to think about It. By the time I got home at the end of the night, I would be too tired from sharing stories, drinking wine or clubbing that I wouldn't have the energy to focus on him. Three weeks passed with me keeping busy... that's 21 nights in a row!

By forcing myself to bounce back, whether I felt like it or not, I managed to start some amazing new friendships with people who have taken me to great new restaurants, bars and hangout joints that I never would have known about otherwise. I wasn't looking for anything, and I made sure that I went on these 'dates' with similar individuals who just wanted to spend a few hours in good company. I started exercising blatant honesty from the get-go with people I met, letting them know exactly what I was for and what I was about, because I was still hurting, though I hid it well. In all this blatant honesty (I like to call it a Zero-Tolerance Policy for Bullshit) I became empowered. I became... powerful. And funnily enough, this became... sexy. 

Imagine that.

And that's when 'Slick' showed up. Unexpected, unannounced, like a thief in the night, he just rode on into the busy little town of Me - completely uninvited - and said: 

'I'm here now.'

That's Slick. And that's how he henceforth shall be known to you.

He doesn't mind doing what he calls 'The Time Thing'; he doesn't mind waiting on me to decide I'm ready to let him in; he doesn't mind jumping over every single hurdle I place in front of him; and he not only catches, but also throws back (with flair), every goddamn curveball I give him. 

Slick doesn't treat me like a Queen. No no no, that's what made me so happy about the last one... Slick steps it up about two hundred notches: he treats me like a Goddess. A Goddess, dammit! Slick takes everything I have ever asked for and puts it in a blender with the things I never thought to ask for... then serves it with six cherries on top.

He is, as someone pointed out, my male counterpart. The Yin to my Yang.

... And I am resisting. With everything I've got, I'm resisting this confident cowboy (borderline arrogant, but in the way that works) and with every step back I take, he stands right where he is and refuses to go away.

'I'm not ready yet,' I say.

'Okay, I'll wait.'

'It's too soon,' I say.

'Whenever you're ready, I'm here.'

'My heart is broken,' I say.

'Time for some better glue.'

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*sigh*

So how long do you wait before bouncing back? If it's one thing I'm learning, once your heart is truly open to Love, you don't have to wait long at all. It doesn't matter what society says - if it's right, it's right.

I honestly think that my last relationship was a way of shifting my energy from cynicism about Love to... hopeful expectation of it. In that relationship, I got a taste of what unabashed Happiness felt like and opened myself up to wanting more. He wasn't ready for it and it disintegrated, but only to make room for someone else's arrival who was much better equipped for the task. My ex helped to open my Heart, maybe Slick is here to fill it.

This is my current understanding of how these things work. It doesn't matter when he came along. What matters is that he did.

I read this the other day:

Sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together.

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P.S. In case, like me, you think Slick may be too good to be true... He's two months into his 90-day Jackass Probation and shows no signs of faltering. Stay posted.

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